Before The Ring: Finding You Before You Find Them – Part 1

Before the Ring | Finding You Before You Find Them - Part 1

7 Keys to Becoming Whole Before You Pursue a Relationship

The goal is not simply to find the right person. The goal is to become a healthy, grounded, spiritually mature person who can recognize, choose, and build a healthy relationship.

Don't become so focused on finding somebody that you forget to become somebody.

Introduction: Stop Looking for a Missing Piece

Let me begin with a question: How many people have prayed:

• "Lord, send me somebody."
• "Lord, send me a husband."
• "Lord, send me a wife."
• "Lord, send me somebody who loves You, respects me, communicates well, is financially responsible, and knows how to treat me."

We have a list of what we want in somebody else. We know the height, complexion, personality, income, spiritual maturity, and sometimes even the credit score!

But here is the question we don't always ask:

Am I becoming the kind of person who can build the relationship I am praying for?

Your relationship status should not determine your personal worth. You are not half a person waiting for another half to arrive. You are a whole person responsible for:

• Growing in Christ
• Developing your character
• Learning how to love well

Before God presented Eve to Adam, Adam had already received responsibility, instruction, and purpose in the garden.

Genesis 2:15-17 (AMP) 15 So the Lord God took the man [He had made] and settled him in the Garden of Eden to cultivate and keep it. 16 And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, "You may freely (unconditionally) eat [the fruit] from every tree of the garden; 17 but [only] from the tree of the knowledge (recognition) of good and evil you shall not eat, otherwise on the day that you eat from it, you shall most certainly die [because of your disobedience]."

Work had to be done before there was a wedding to celebrate.

Here is the principle for today: Prepare your character for the relationship you desire.

Let's look at 7 keys that will help you do exactly that.

Key 1: Know God | Before You Look for a Partner, Establish Your Foundation

Matthew 6:33 (AMP) 33 But first and most importantly seek (aim at, strive after) His kingdom and His righteousness [His way of doing and being right - the attitude and character of God], and all these things will be given to you also.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (AMP) 5 Trust in and rely confidently on the Lord with all your heart And do not rely on your own insight or understanding. 6 In all your ways know and acknowledge and recognize Him, And He will make your paths straight and smooth [removing obstacles that block your way].

John 15:4-5 (AMP) 4 Remain in Me, and I [will remain] in you. Just as no branch can bear fruit by itself without remaining in the vine, neither can you [bear fruit, producing evidence of your faith] unless you remain in Me. 5 I am the Vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in Me and I in him bears much fruit, for [otherwise] apart from Me [that is, cut off from vital union with Me] you can do nothing.

Key thought: Your relationship with God establishes the foundation for how you love, choose, and treat people.

Before you ask God to send you somebody, make sure you are developing your relationship with the One who created you.

1 John 4:8 (AMP) 8 The one who does not love has not become acquainted with God [does not and never did know Him], for God is love. [He is the originator of love, and it is an enduring attribute of His nature.]

Why does this matter? Because if you don't know who you are in God, you may look to another person to tell you who you are.

• You may need their compliments to feel valuable.
• You may need their attention to feel attractive.
• You may need their approval to feel important.
• And when they become distant, you begin to question your worth.

That is too much responsibility to place on another human being.

A spouse can:

• Encourage you
• Affirm you
• Support you
• Love you

But another person cannot become the source of your identity.

In the same way, we cannot continually pour into other people while neglecting our own spiritual foundation. Some of you are looking for somebody to recharge you emotionally when you have not been spending time with the One who strengthens you spiritually.

A relationship can bring joy, but it cannot replace your relationship with God.

Illustration: The Empty Cup

Picture two pitchers sitting on a table. One is full. The other is nearly empty. Now imagine the empty pitcher trying to fill a cup for somebody else. No matter how sincere it is, it can only pour out what it has. A person running on empty will end up looking to a relationship to refill them - and no human being was ever designed to be your source. Stay connected to the One whose supply never runs dry, and you will have something real to pour into the people you love.

Practical Application

• Develop a consistent prayer life.
• Read Scripture to grow, not merely to find verses that promise you a spouse.
• Build friendships with spiritually mature people.
• Learn to enjoy your life with God in seasons of singleness.
• Let your faith guide your relationship choices rather than allowing attraction to override your convictions.

"Don't make a human being responsible for filling a place in your heart that belongs to God."

Here is a question to sit with: If you did not meet anybody this year, would your relationship with God still be growing?

Once you know who you are in God, you can begin to discover what He has placed in your hands to do.

Key 2: Know Your Purpose | Don't Let Romance Become Your Purpose

Ephesians 2:10 (AMP) 10 For we are His workmanship [His own master work, a work of art], created in Christ Jesus [reborn from above - spiritually transformed, renewed, ready to be used] for good works, which God prepared [for us] beforehand [taking paths which He set], so that we would walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us].

Proverbs 19:21 (AMP) 21 Many plans are in a man's mind, but it is the Lord's purpose for him that will stand (be carried out).

1 Corinthians 7:32-35 (AMP) 32 But I want you to be free from concern. The unmarried man is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; 33 but the married man is concerned about worldly things, how he may please his wife, 34 and his interests are divided. The unmarried woman or the virgin is concerned about the matters of the Lord, how to be holy and set apart both in body and in spirit; but a married woman is concerned about worldly things, how she may please her husband. 35 Now I say this for your own benefit; not to restrict you, but to promote what is appropriate and secure undistracted devotion to the Lord.

Key thought: A relationship can be part of your life without becoming the entire reason you live.

One of the dangers of being single is that you can become so focused on getting married that you stop developing the life you have right now.

• You stop pursuing your goals.
• You neglect your gifts.
• You delay your dreams.

You put your life on hold while waiting for someone to join it.

But what if the season you are in is an opportunity to develop what God has already placed in you?

Marriage is a meaningful calling for many people, but it is NOT the only meaningful life a Christian can live.

Purpose helps you know where you are going. Values help you decide what you will and will not do along the way.

Key 3: Know Your Values | Decide What You Stand For Before Somebody Asks You to Compromise

Romans 12:2 (AMP) 2 And do not be conformed to this world [any longer with its superficial values and customs], but be transformed and progressively changed [as you mature spiritually] by the renewing of your mind [focusing on godly values and ethical attitudes], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His plan and purpose for you].

Amos 3:3 (NLT) 3 Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?

Key thought: If you do not establish your convictions before you fall in love, attraction can make decisions your wisdom would never approve.

Attraction is powerful. When you really like somebody, you may begin making exceptions.

• You said you wanted somebody who shared your faith, but now you are telling yourself that spiritual compatibility does not matter.
• You said you wanted honesty, but now you are overlooking repeated lies because the chemistry is strong.
• You said you wanted somebody who respected your boundaries, but now you are afraid to speak up because you might lose the relationship.

This is why values must be established before emotions become deeply involved.

Practical Application: Write Your Non-Negotiables

Before entering a serious relationship, think through questions such as:

• Does this person share or respect my core spiritual convictions?
• Can we communicate honestly when we disagree?
• Do we have compatible expectations about marriage, children, finances, and family?
• Does this person respect my physical and emotional boundaries?
• Do their actions consistently match their words?
• Can we resolve conflict without intimidation, contempt, or manipulation?

Key 4: Heal Your Heart | Don't Make Your Future Pay for Your Past

Ephesians 4:31-32 (AMP) 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor [perpetual animosity, resentment, strife, fault-finding] and slander be put away from you, along with every kind of malice [all spitefulness, verbal abuse, malevolence]. 32 Be kind and helpful to one another, tender-hearted [compassionate, understanding], forgiving one another [readily and freely], just as God in Christ also forgave you.

Philippians 3:13-14 (AMP) 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider that I have made it my own yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the [heavenly] prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Key thought: You cannot change what happened to you, but you can work toward changing how you respond to it.

Some people are not responding to the person in front of them. They are responding to the person who hurt them in the past.

• A former partner cheated on you, so now you treat every new partner like a suspect.
• A former partner abandoned you, so now you become anxious whenever someone needs space.
• A former partner lied, so now you constantly check phones, question motives, and look for evidence of betrayal.
• A former partner was emotionally unavailable, so now you struggle to believe anyone could genuinely love you.

The tragedy is that somebody who had nothing to do with the original hurt can end up paying for it.

You cannot build a healthy future if you insist on making every new person answer for the sins of the last person.

Psalm 147:3 tells us that God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Healing does not mean pretending the pain never happened. Healing means allowing God, wise counsel, healthy support, and intentional growth to help you process the pain without letting it control every future decision.

Illustration: The Cracked Mirror

Imagine looking into a mirror with a crack running straight through it. Everything you see is distorted. A face looks broken. A smile looks crooked. Now imagine blaming the person standing in front of the mirror for how they look.

Sometimes the person standing in front of you is not the problem. Sometimes the wound you are carrying is affecting how you see the person standing in front of you.

Illustration: The New Partner Who Did Nothing Wrong

Picture someone who finally meets a kind, steady, honest person. Nothing about this new partner gives a reason for suspicion - yet every late text gets interrogated, every quiet evening gets interpreted as distance, and every honest answer gets double-checked. The new partner has done nothing wrong, but is slowly being put on trial for what someone else did years ago. Eventually, the relationship doesn't collapse because of what the new person did. It collapses under the weight of what the old person left behind.

Practical Application

• Identify patterns that repeat across your relationships.
• Learn your emotional triggers and how to respond to them.
• Grieve relationships that ended rather than pretending you were unaffected.
• Forgive where you can, while maintaining appropriate boundaries.
• Seek pastoral care, trusted support, or professional counseling when past experiences continue to interfere with your life.
• Learn to communicate your fears without turning them into accusations.

"Your past can explain your pain, but it does not have to dictate your future."

Here is a question to sit with: What are you carrying from a previous relationship that your future relationship should not have to carry?

Key 5: Build Your Life | Become a Healthy Partner, Not Just an Attractive Prospect

1 Timothy 4:8 (NLT) 8 "Physical training is good, but training for godliness is much better, promising benefits in this life and in the life to come."

Some people have a very detailed list of what they want in a spouse. They want somebody:

• Financially responsible
• Emotionally mature
• Physically healthy
• Spiritually grounded
• Ambitious
• Thoughtful
• Capable of communicating

Those are reasonable qualities to value.

But here is the question: Are you developing those qualities in yourself?

Practical Application: Build in 5 Areas

1. Spiritual life - Develop your prayer life, study Scripture, and participate in a community that strengthens your faith.
2. Financial life - Learn to budget, manage debt responsibly, save, and communicate honestly about money.
3. Friendships and community - Build relationships that are healthy, honest, supportive, and not dependent on romantic attention.
4. Physical and emotional well-being - Care for your health, develop stress-management skills, and learn how to handle difficult emotions.
5. Purpose and career - Develop your skills, honor your responsibilities, and pursue meaningful goals.

"Don't just prepare a list of what you want in a spouse. Prepare yourself to contribute to the relationship you want to build."

Here is a question to sit with: If you met the person you have been praying for next month, what part of your life would still need attention?

As you build your life, you also need to decide what access people will have to it. That brings us to boundaries.

Key 6: Establish Your Boundaries | Decide Your Standards Before Your Emotions Get Involved

Proverbs 4:23 (NLT) 23 Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

Proverbs 4:23 tells us to guard our hearts diligently, because the heart influences the course of life. Guarding your heart does not mean refusing to love. It means exercising wisdom about what you allow to shape your life.

1 Corinthians 6:18-20 (AMP) 18 Run away from sexual immorality [in any form, whether thought or behavior, whether visual or written]. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the one who is sexually immoral sins against his own body. 19 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is within you, whom you have [received as a gift] from God, and that you are not your own [property]? 20 You were bought with a price [you were actually purchased with the precious blood of Jesus and made His own]. So then, honor and glorify God with your body.

Key thought: Boundaries are easier to establish before attraction makes it difficult to enforce them.

Boundaries are not walls designed to keep everybody out. Healthy boundaries clarify what you will accept, what you will not accept, and how you will respond when a line is crossed.

Grace matters. People make mistakes, and healthy relationships require room for growth. But repeatedly abandoning your convictions because you fear losing someone is not the same as showing grace.

Illustration: The Bowling Alley Gutter Rails

Think about bowling with the bumpers up. The rails don't take the fun out of the game. They keep the ball on the lane and moving toward the pins. Without them, one small drift sends you straight into the gutter. Boundaries work the same way - they aren't there to ruin the relationship, they are there to keep it heading in the right direction.

Practical Application

Before entering a serious relationship, establish boundaries around:

• Faith: What spiritual convictions and practices are important to you?
• Physical intimacy: What choices align with your convictions, and how will you communicate them?
• Communication: What does respectful disagreement look like?
• Finances: What expectations do you have about spending, debt, giving, and financial transparency?
• Time: How will you balance dating with family, friendships, work, church, and personal responsibilities?
• Respect and safety: What will you do if someone repeatedly insults, threatens, controls, or intimidates you?

Key 7: Become the Person You're Praying to Meet | Don't Just Ask God to Send You a Good Person. Ask Him to Develop You into One.

Key thought: Your prayer for a healthy relationship should include a willingness to become a healthy partner.

But have you ever prayed:

• "Lord, make me patient."
• "Teach me to communicate."
• "Develop my character."
• "Show me where I need to grow."
• "Help me become emotionally mature enough to love somebody well."

Because it is possible to have a long list of expectations for a future spouse while ignoring the areas in your own life that need attention.

• You want somebody who listens, but do you listen?
• You want somebody who apologizes, but can you admit when you are wrong?
• You want somebody who is consistent, but can people depend on you?
• You want somebody who is emotionally available, but do you know how to express your own emotions?
• You want somebody who supports your dreams, but do you support theirs?

The goal is not to become perfect before you enter a relationship. The goal is to become teachable, accountable, and committed to growth.

Galatians 5:22-23 (AMP) 22 But the fruit of the Spirit [the result of His presence within us] is love [unselfish concern for others], joy, [inner] peace, patience [not the ability to wait, but how we act while waiting], kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law.

These qualities are essential to healthy relationships because love requires more than attraction. It requires character.

"Before you spend another hour asking God to show you what is wrong with everybody else, permit Him to show you what He wants to develop in you."

Illustration: The Relationship Audit

Imagine someone who sits down, honestly, and asks:

• What patterns am I bringing into these relationships?
• Do I choose unavailable people?
• Do I ignore warning signs?
• Do I become defensive when someone gives me feedback?
• Am I communicating what I need clearly?

That person has moved from simply evaluating potential partners to taking responsibility for personal growth. That person has moved beyond the question, "Who am I looking for?" and has started asking, "Who am I becoming?"

The result is not a guarantee that they will immediately find a spouse. It is an opportunity to make wiser choices and build healthier relationships.

Practical Application: Conduct a Personal Relationship Audit

Ask yourself:

• Am I patient when I do not get my way?
• Can I disagree without becoming disrespectful?
• Do I communicate my needs without expecting people to read my mind?
• Can I apologize without making excuses?
• Am I financially and emotionally responsible?
• Do I respect other people's boundaries?
• Can I celebrate someone else's success without becoming jealous?
• Am I willing to receive correction and change?

The Big Finish: Seven Keys, One Assignment

1. Know God - Build your foundation in Christ before asking another person to become your foundation.
2. Know Your Purpose - Build a meaningful life instead of putting your life on hold for romance.
3. Know Your Values - Establish your convictions before attraction tests them.
4. Heal Your Heart - Process your pain so that you do not continually repeat yesterday's patterns.
5. Build Your Life - Develop your character, finances, friendships, health, gifts, and career.
6. Establish Your Boundaries - Decide what is healthy and acceptable before emotions make those decisions harder.
7. Become the Person You're Praying to Meet - Take responsibility for the love, maturity, and character you bring into a relationship.

Closing Illustration: Prepare the House Before the Guest Arrives

When you know a special guest is coming, you don't wait until the doorbell rings to start cleaning. You get the house ready - you clear the clutter, fix what's broken, and make room. Preparing your life works the same way. Get the house in order now, so that when the right person arrives, they walk into a home that is ready.

Final Declaration

Say it out loud:

I will seek God first. I will pursue my purpose. I will stand on my values. I will work toward healing. I will build a healthy life. I will honor my boundaries. And I will allow God to develop my character.

I am not waiting for someone else to make me whole. I am growing in God, preparing for healthy relationships, and learning to love well!

"Stop making finding somebody your only assignment. Find God, find your purpose, grow in your character, and become the person who is ready to build the kind of relationship you have been praying for."

Discussion Questions

1. Foundation: Where do you currently look for validation, worth, or encouragement besides God? What is one practical step you can take this week to deepen your relationship with Him so that your identity is anchored in Him and not in another person?
2. Purpose and Values: If you stopped waiting for a relationship to start living, what goal, gift, or dream would you pursue right now? What are two or three non-negotiables you want to write down before attraction has a chance to argue with them?
3. Healing: Is there a past hurt that still shapes the way you react to people today? Who is a trusted friend, mentor, pastor, or counselor you could talk to about it, and what would it look like to forgive while still keeping healthy boundaries?
4. Building Your Life: Look at the five areas of growth (spiritual, financial, friendships and community, physical and emotional well-being, purpose and career). Which area needs the most attention, and what is one specific habit you can start this month to strengthen it?
5. Becoming the Person: Think of one quality on your "must-have" list for a future spouse. Honestly, how are you doing in that same area? Complete the relationship audit from Key 7 on your own, then share one area of growth with your group so they can pray for you and hold you accountable.