Don't Miss the Signs: Warnings You Cannot Afford to Ignore
Before the Ring - Part 2 Recognizing the Wrong Relationship Before It Costs You
Proverbs 4:23 (NLT) Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.
You do not have to experience every painful relationship to learn what wisdom is trying to teach you.
God gives you discernment so that you can recognize danger before it damages your destiny.
Love Can Make You Ignore What Wisdom Is Showing You
Everybody talks about finding "the one," but nobody talks enough about guarding yourself from the wrong one.
We pray, "Lord, send me somebody who loves me."
But sometimes the greater prayer is: "Lord, help me recognize somebody who is not good for me."
Some people are so desperate to get married that they ignore the very signs they prayed God would reveal.
The Desperation vs. Discernment Scale
- "Nobody is perfect." (discernment)
- "I believe they have potential." (discernment)
- "They just need somebody to love them." (desperation)
- "I can change them." (desperation)
- "I have already invested so much time." (desperation)
Hear me: you cannot marry potential and expect character to show up after the wedding.
Proverbs 22:3 teaches that prudent people recognize danger and take precautions, while the inexperienced keep going and suffer the consequences.
Proverbs 22:3 (AMP) A prudent and far-sighted person sees the evil [of sin] and hides himself [from it], But the naive continue on and are punished [by suffering the consequences of sin].
A red flag warns you that something needs your attention. It does not mean you know everything about a person. It does not mean you should condemn them.
It means you should:
- Slow down
- Observe the evidence
- Seek wise counsel
- Refuse to let attraction replace discernment
Point 1: The Red Flag of No Spiritual Fruit
Matthew 7:16 (NLT) You can identify them by their fruit, that is, by the way they act. Can you pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles?
Jesus did not say you would know people by their appearance, popularity, gifts, church attendance, or ability to quote Scripture. He said to examine their fruit.
The fruit He is talking about is the fruit of the Spirit:
Galatians 5:22-23 (AMP) But the fruit of the Spirit [the result of His presence within us] is love [unselfish concern for others], joy, [inner] peace, patience [not the ability to wait, but how we act while waiting], kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Ask yourself:
- Are they growing in patience?
- Do they demonstrate kindness when they are frustrated?
- Can they control their impulses?
- Are they humble enough to learn?
- Do they demonstrate integrity when nobody is watching?
Someone can sing in the choir and still mistreat people at home.
Someone can preach powerfully and still refuse correction.
Church attendance is not the same as spiritual maturity. Charisma is not character. Character is revealed by fruit.
The Counterfeit Illustration
Before a bank employee can spot a counterfeit bill, they must first become an expert in what is authentic.
Imagine training bank employees to identify counterfeit money. Rather than spending all their time studying fake bills, they become thoroughly familiar with genuine currency. They learn its texture, markings, security features, and details. When they know the authentic well enough, they can spot the counterfeit more easily.
The same principle applies to relationships.
- Study biblical love.
- Learn what respect looks like.
- Understand emotional maturity.
- Become familiar with honesty, faithfulness, humility, and self-control.
When you know what healthy love looks like, unhealthy patterns become easier to recognize.
You do not have to date every personality to discover what you do not want. Learn the authentic, and the counterfeit will become easier to recognize.
Point 2: The Red Flag of Inconsistency
James 1:8 (NLT) Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.
One day they want a future with you - the next day they act as if you do not exist.
One day they talk about commitment - the next day they disappear when responsibility shows up.
They say they want to grow, but their behavior never changes.
You cannot build a stable future with somebody whose behavior constantly leaves you guessing.
Remember, consistency does not mean perfection. Healthy people make mistakes, but they take responsibility and work toward change.
Believe patterns, not promises.
First John 3:18 teaches that love should be demonstrated in action and truth, not merely in words.
1 John 3:18 (AMP) Little children (believers, dear ones), let us not love [merely in theory] with word or with tongue [giving lip service to compassion], but in action and in truth [in practice and in sincerity, because practical acts of love are more than words].
If someone repeatedly promises to change but refuses to take meaningful steps toward change, pay attention!
Do not confuse an emotional apology with evidence of transformation.
Point 3: The Red Flag of Secrecy
Luke 8:17 (NLT) For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all.
There is a difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy means a person has healthy boundaries. Secrecy means important information that affects your relationship is deliberately concealed.
Watch for patterns such as:
- Repeated dishonesty about important matters.
- Contradictory explanations about significant events.
- Hidden relationships or undisclosed commitments.
- Refusal to discuss matters that directly affect your shared future.
You do not need to demand access to every password or private conversation. Trust is not built through surveillance. It is built through honesty, consistency, and mutually agreed-upon transparency.
If you must become a detective to maintain a relationship, something needs to change.
Point 4: The Red Flag of No Accountability
Proverbs 12:15 (AMP) The way of the [arrogant] fool [who rejects God's wisdom] is right in his own eyes, But a wise and prudent man is he who listens to counsel.
Listen to how someone discusses their previous relationships:
- Every ex was crazy.
- Every boss was unfair.
- Every friend betrayed them.
- Every conflict was somebody else's fault.
If everyone in their story is the villain, ask whether they have ever examined their own behavior.
Healthy people can say:
- "I was wrong."
- "I need to grow."
- "I hurt you, and I am sorry."
- "I need help with this pattern."
Use these four accountability questions:
- Who do they submit to for wise guidance?
- Who are they willing to sacrifice for?
- Who do they serve?
- Who do they sow into through their time, resources, or encouragement?
Do not simply ask whether someone is accountable. Look for evidence that they accept correction and make changes.
A person who cannot own their behavior will eventually try to make you responsible for their dysfunction.
Closing: Stop Ignoring the Signs
Proverbs 4:23 tells us to guard our hearts because our lives flow from them.
Proverbs 4:23 (NLT) Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.
Guarding your heart does not mean becoming cold, cynical, or afraid of love. It means learning to love with wisdom.
You do not have to prove someone is a terrible person before deciding they are not the right person for you.
Closing Declarations
- I will not let loneliness silence discernment.
- I will not confuse potential with proven character.
- I will not ignore repeated patterns because of temporary feelings.
- I will choose wisdom over desperation.
Closing Prayer
Father, give me wisdom beyond attraction.
Help me recognize healthy character and identify patterns that could harm my future.
Heal the places in me that make me afraid to walk away from what is unhealthy.
Teach me to guard my heart without closing it to genuine love.
In Jesus' name, Amen.
Discussion Questions
- Desperation vs. Discernment: Look back at the scale of statements, from "Nobody is perfect" to "I have already invested so much time." Which of these have you said or heard yourself say, in dating or in any other relationship? What was really driving that thought, and what would it look like to replace it with discernment?
- Studying the Authentic: The bank employee learns to spot counterfeits by mastering the real thing. Using the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23, which quality do you most want to see modeled in the people closest to you? What is one practical step you can take this month to study or grow in what healthy love looks like?
- Patterns, Not Promises: Think of a time when someone's words and actions did not match. How did you respond? What would it look like to make decisions based on a person's consistent patterns over time rather than their apologies or promises?
- Privacy vs. Secrecy: The sermon draws a line between healthy privacy and harmful secrecy. In your own words, where is that line? Who are the trusted, wise people in your life you can talk to when something in a relationship does not seem right, and have you actually invited them in?
- Turning the Mirror Around: The accountability section asks whether a person can say, "I was wrong," "I need to grow," and "I need help with this pattern." Which of those statements is hardest for you to say? Choose one area where you need to be more accountable, and write down one specific action you will take this week, such as inviting correction, apologizing, or asking for help.