Before The Ring: When Love Becomes Control (Part 4)
Wrong Tracks We've Covered So Far
- No Spiritual Fruit
- Inconsistency
- Secrecy
- No Accountability
- Unequally Yoked
- No Vision
- Spiritual Manipulation
- Regression
When Love Becomes Control
Love should not require you to surrender your:
- Dignity
- Boundaries
- Safety
- Healthy relationships
Biblical love is demonstrated through patience, kindness, respect, and truth.
Love Should Not Cost You Yourself
Some people believe that if they love someone enough, they should tolerate almost anything.
They tolerate insults because the other person had a difficult childhood. They excuse explosive anger because the person apologizes afterward. They surrender boundaries because they do not want to lose the relationship.
If you must lose yourself to keep someone else, the relationship is costing too much.
Love and control are NOT the same thing.
First Corinthians 13 teaches that love is patient and kind, and that it is not arrogant, rude, or self-seeking.
1 Corinthians 13:4-9 (NLT) Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture!
Healthy relationships require compromise, but compromise is not the same as surrendering your dignity or living in fear.
Point 1: Wrong Track - Disrespect
Ephesians 4:29 (AMP) Do not let unwholesome [foul, profane, worthless, vulgar] words ever come out of your mouth, but only such speech as is good for building up others, according to the need and the occasion, so that it will be a blessing to those who hear [you speak].
Pay attention to how someone speaks to you when they are disappointed, embarrassed, or frustrated.
Watch for:
- Repeated insults disguised as jokes
- Belittling your intelligence or appearance
- Public humiliation
- Name-calling during disagreements
- Dismissing your feelings as meaningless
Disagreement is normal. Disrespect should not become the normal language of a relationship.
A person may make a mistake and need to apologize. But repeated disrespect without meaningful change is a serious warning sign.
Sarcasm is not always humor. Belittling is not love. Disrespect is not a relationship requirement.
Point 2: Wrong Track - Uncontrolled Anger
Proverbs 22:24-25 (AMP) Do not even associate with a man given to angry outbursts; Or go [along] with a hot-tempered man, Or you will learn his [undisciplined] ways. And get yourself trapped [in a situation from which it is hard to escape].
Everyone experiences anger. The question is how a person manages it.
- Do they take responsibility when they lose their temper?
- Can they disagree without threatening you?
- Are they willing to learn healthier ways to communicate?
Watch for:
- Intimidation or threats
- Breaking objects to frighten you
- Blocking you from leaving
- Threatening physical harm
- Repeated explosive reactions followed by apologies
Do not confuse fear with respect.
You should not have to study somebody's mood before you decide whether you are safe to speak.
A critical distinction:
- Anger does not inevitably lead to abuse, and
- An apology does not make abusive behavior safe.
Threats, coercion, and violence require serious attention, outside support, and appropriate safety measures.
Point 3: Wrong Track - Isolation
Proverbs 11:14 (AMP) Where there is no [wise, intelligent] guidance, the people fall [and go off course like a ship without a helm], But in the abundance of [wise and godly] counselors there is victory.
A healthy relationship does not require you to abandon every friend, mentor, family member, or church connection that existed before you began dating.
Be cautious when someone:
- Becomes angry whenever you spend time with trusted friends
- Pressures you to leave your church or community
- Monitors your interactions to control whom you can see
- Makes you feel guilty for seeking wise counsel
- Insists that only they understand you
Of course, healthy couples establish boundaries and make room for one another. But there is a difference between prioritizing your relationship and cutting someone off from their support system.
Healthy love adds support to your life; controlling love tries to become your only support.
Point 4: Wrong Track - Red Flag: Boundary Violations
1 Corinthians 13:5 (AMP) It is not rude; it is not self-seeking; it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured.
Boundaries communicate what you will and will not accept regarding your body, emotions, faith, time, and personal decisions.
A person may disagree with a boundary, but they should not pressure, threaten, or punish you for maintaining it.
For example:
- If you choose to wait until marriage for sex, that decision should be respected.
- If you need time to think before making a commitment, that should be respected.
- If you say no to an activity that violates your convictions, you should not be manipulated into saying yes.
If they want access to your body but refuse to respect your boundaries, they are prioritizing their desires over your well-being.
Love does not eliminate consent. Love honors it.
Point 5: Wrong Track - Red Flag: Emotional Unavailability
James 1:19-20 (AMP) Understand this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Let everyone be quick to hear [be a careful, thoughtful listener], slow to speak [a speaker of carefully chosen words and], slow to anger [patient, reflective, forgiving]; for the [resentful, deep-seated] anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God [that standard of behavior which He requires from us].
James encourages believers to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.
Emotional availability means being willing to:
- Communicate honestly
- Listen
- Share appropriately
- Work through difficult conversations
Watch for someone who consistently:
- Refuses every meaningful conversation
- Disappears whenever conflict arises
- Expects you to understand their needs but dismisses yours
- Wants your companionship without relational responsibility
- Avoids every conversation about the future
Some people need time to develop communication skills. That is not automatically a red flag. The concern is persistent refusal to communicate or work toward change.
You cannot build deep intimacy with someone who refuses to participate emotionally.
Closing: Love Should Be Safe Enough for Honesty
Colossians 3:15 teaches believers to let the peace of Christ rule in their hearts.
Colossians 3:15 (AMP) Let the peace of Christ [the inner calm of one who walks daily with Him] be the controlling factor in your hearts [deciding and settling questions that arise]. To this peace indeed you were called as members in one body [of believers]. And be thankful [to God always].
Peace does not mean a relationship never experiences conflict. It means you should not have to live in constant fear, intimidation, or confusion.
If you recognize controlling or abusive patterns, seek support from trusted people and qualified professionals. If you are in immediate danger, contact emergency services.
Do not put yourself at risk by confronting an abusive partner alone.
Closing Declarations
- I can love without surrendering my dignity.
- I can forgive without pretending harmful behavior is acceptable.
- I can establish boundaries without feeling guilty.
- I will pursue relationships marked by truth, respect, and accountability.
Closing Prayer
Father, teach me to recognize love that honors You and honors me. Give me wisdom to establish healthy boundaries and courage to address harmful patterns. Heal the places where past wounds have taught me to accept mistreatment. Lead me toward relationships marked by truth, respect, kindness, and safety. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Discussion Questions
- The message says, "If you must lose yourself to keep someone else, the relationship is costing too much." Is there an area of your life (a boundary, a friendship, a conviction) that you have been tempted to give up to keep a relationship? What would it look like to hold on to it with grace?
- Think about 1 Corinthians 13:4-9. Which quality of love (patient, kind, not demanding its own way, keeping no record of wrongs) do you most need to see in a future spouse, and which do you most need to grow in yourself?
- Ephesians 4:29 calls us to speech that builds others up. How do you speak to people when you are frustrated or embarrassed? What is one practical step you can take this week to respond in a more life-giving way?
- Proverbs 11:14 reminds us of the value of wise counsel. Who are the trusted voices in your life (mentors, friends, family, church community) who can speak honestly into your relationships? If you do not have these voices yet, what is one step you can take to build that circle?
- Which of the five "Wrong Tracks" in this message (disrespect, uncontrolled anger, isolation, boundary violations, emotional unavailability) is hardest for you to recognize or name, either in others or in yourself? Write down one boundary you want to set or reinforce, and one person you will share it with for accountability.
If you or someone you know is in an unsafe relationship, please reach out to a trusted pastor or counselor, or contact emergency services if there is immediate danger.