Counterfeits and Decoys

The Real McCoy: Moving Beyond Decoys in Relationships

Introduction: The Danger of Decoys

In the process of trying to find "the one," many people end up with decoys instead of the real McCoy.

Opening Story: The Five-Floor Husband Store

Marianne and Joan, lifelong best friends, entered an enormous shopping center to find Mr. Soulmate.

Floor 1: "These guys love children and have good jobs."

• Joan wanted to see what else was available

Floor 2: "These guys are super handsome, love children and have great jobs."

• Marianne was excited, but Joan insisted they keep looking

Floor 3: "These guys are not only super handsome, love children and have great jobs, but they are also happy to help with housework!"

• Marianne's jaw dropped, but Joan wanted to see more

Floor 4: "Our fourth floor husbands are super handsome, love children, have great jobs, enjoy helping with housework and are great in bed!"

• They couldn't stop now—surely the fifth floor would be even better

Floor 5: A tiny, torn sign read: "This floor offers proof that women are impossible to please."

Reality Check: There's no perfect man or husband. You can ask any married person.

The Five Rules Story: Unrealistic Expectations

A friend was trying to help another friend find a woman with these requirements:

1. She helps at home with kids, cooks, cleans, and has a job
2. She is loyal and doesn't cheat
3. You can trust her and she won't lie
4. She's good in bed and wants frequent intimacy
5. Most important rule: These four women don't know each other

Reality Check: There is no perfect woman.

The Albatross Warning: Don't Build Nests for Decoys

The Research Story: Researchers placed 100 wooden decoys on an island to attract endangered albatrosses and encourage breeding. One albatross missed the message entirely.

For more than two years, this albatross:

• Built a tidy nest beside a wooden decoy
• Fought off rivals to protect the decoy
• Stood faithfully by something that could never love him back

A researcher observed: "He seems to have no desire to date real birds."

Critical Application: Brothers and sisters, some of you are building nests and making investments in people who are not ready to invest in you.

God's Plan for Your Love Life

While there's no guaranteed formula for finding a partner, we believe that God has a plan for each of our lives, and that includes our love lives.

12 Keys to Knowing You Are Ready for the Real McCoy

#1 Your Faith and Relationship with God Have Been Established

Matthew 22:37 (NLT) "You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind."

Key Truth: These characteristics must be developed in you since they are the very traits that God wants you to emulate once you are in a relationship.

#2 You Have Learned to Put God as Your Top Priority

Matthew 6:33 (NLT) "Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need."

John 16:13 (AMP) "But when He, the Spirit of Truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth [full and complete truth]. For He will not speak on His own initiative, but He will speak whatever He hears [from the Father—the message regarding the Son], and He will disclose to you what is to come [in the future]."

#3 You Learn to Appreciate Your Own Company

1 Timothy 6:6 (AMP) "But godliness actually is a source of great gain when accompanied by contentment [that contentment which comes from a sense of inner confidence based on the sufficiency of God]."

Signs:

• An overwhelming feeling of peace in your heart
• A deep sense of happiness and fulfillment in your everyday life

#4 You Are Learning to Trust God's Timing and His Plans

Proverbs 3:5-6 (MSG) "Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track."

#5 Self-Care and Self-Love Are Your New Best Friends

Proverbs 19:8 (AMP) "He who gains wisdom and good sense loves (preserves) his own soul; He who keeps understanding will find good and prosper."

Evidence of Readiness:

• A newfound desire to improve yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally
• You have become more emotionally mature
• You have settled your insecurities
• You have already healed from past brokenness

#6 You Value a Person's Character More Than Their Looks

1 Samuel 16:7 (AMP) "But the Lord said to Samuel, 'Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.'"

#7 Your Perception of Love Has Changed—You Do Not Base Love on Feelings Anymore

1 Corinthians 13:4-10 (MSG)

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

Love never dies.

#8 You Do Not Rush Things Anymore

You have learned to be more patient with others.

#9 You've Become More Responsible—You Are Financially Independent

Your Sufficiency Is in Christ

2 Corinthians 9:8 (AMP) "And God is able to make all grace [every favor and earthly blessing] come in abundance to you, so that you may always [under all circumstances, regardless of the need] have complete sufficiency in everything [being completely self-sufficient in Him], and have an abundance for every good work and act of charity."

Key: You're not looking for someone to take care of you.

#10 You Have Become Selfless—You Nurture Your Caring Tendencies

John 13:34 (AMP) "I am giving you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, so you too are to love one another."

#11 You're Developing Stronger Communication Skills and the Ability to Express Your Feelings

Ephesians 4:15 (NLT) "Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church."

Priority Shift: You value a healthy relationship by saying no to things that cripple your relationship with God.

#12 When You Can Grow in Intimacy Without Committing Sexual Sin

Song of Solomon 8:4 (NLT) "Don't excite love, don't stir it up, until the time is ripe—and you're ready."

Closing Illustration: Wood vs. Imitations

Every Relationship Leaves a Scar

We often try to cover up these scars with different things, but healing must come first.

The Real McCoy: Solid Wood

Characteristics of Authentic People:

• Strong: They can support lots of weight
• Consistent: Who they are on the outside is the same as who they are on the inside—another word for that is holy
• Enduring: They can stand the test of time
• Resilient: They are storm-resistant and water-resistant

The Decoys: Plywood and Particle Board

Plywood: Pieces of wood glued together
Particle Board: Made from scraps

Characteristics of Imitations:

• They have varying ingredients
• Time breaks them down
• They swell around water
• They are not built to carry weight

Application Questions

1. Are you investing in a "decoy" relationship that will never love you back?
2. Which of the 12 keys have you developed? Which ones need more work?
3. Have you healed from past relationship scars, or are you just covering them up?
4. Are you looking for someone to complete you, or are you already complete in Christ?
5. What "imitation" qualities do you need to recognize in potential partners?
6. Are you being the "real McCoy" that you're looking for in someone else?