Discovering True Love

Finding Your Value: Looking Beyond the Surface

Introduction: The Shelf Analogy

Top Shelf Reality

• In our younger years, we appear as "top shelf" with more options and less visible trauma
• Everyone desires what appears to be on the top shelf—the best restaurants, hotels, destinations, people
• Good packaging doesn't reveal what someone has experienced
• Hidden challenges: childhood trauma, abuse, abandonment, addiction

The Reality of Life's Shelves

• 2nd Shelf: Relationship wounds, trauma, triggers, and resulting drama
• 3rd Shelf: Children and ongoing co-parenting relationships
• 4th Shelf: Added age and the reality that time keeps moving forward

The Tension: "I have top shelf goals with clearance rack availability"

Important Truth: Having "more bags" doesn't make someone bad—it means they've lived and experienced life

Biblical Foundation: Hosea's Radical Obedience

Hosea 1:2 (AMP & MSG)

• God commanded Hosea to marry a prostitute and have children with her
• This illustrated how the entire nation had become unfaithful to God
• Key Insight: Marriage was designed for purpose, not just pleasure

The Problem with Surface-Level Beauty

The Beauty Industry Reality

• Americans spend $62 billion annually on appearance improvement
• Most beauty aids are temporary solutions
• Media presents impossible standards using models to sell products
• 7.4 billion people exist in unique sizes, shapes, colors, and complexions
• No two people are exactly alike—don't compare or imitate, be yourself

Dr. Maxwell Maltz's Discovery As a pioneer plastic surgeon, he learned that making people look good on the outside often left them feeling empty inside. Inner beauty is fundamental for stable emotional health.

God's Standard: Looking at the Heart

1 Samuel 16:7 (AMP) "The LORD sees not as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

Critical Truth: You cannot find a person's heart without spending time with them

How to Identify a Person's Heart

1. Their Money (Where They Invest)

Matthew 6:21 (NLT) "Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be."

The Four S's Test:

• Serve: If they don't serve God, they won't serve you
• Submit: If they don't submit to God, they won't submit to you
• Sacrifice: If they don't sacrifice for God, they won't sacrifice for you
• Sow: If they don't sow to God, they won't sow to you

Fundamental Principle: It's almost impossible to give what you don't have. How can someone give you love if they don't know who Love is?

1 John 4:8 (AMP) "The one who does not love has not become acquainted with God [does not and never did know Him], for God is love."

1 John 4:16 (AMP) "God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides continually in him."

2. Their Mouth (What They Speak)

Luke 6:45 (NLT) "A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart."

For Brothers Looking for a Wife

Proverbs 31:30 (AMP) "Charm and grace are deceptive, and [superficial] beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the LORD [reverently worshiping, obeying, serving, and trusting Him with awe-filled respect], she shall be praised."

1 Peter 3:4-6 (AMP) Look for the inner beauty of the hidden person of the heart—imperishable quality and unfading charm.

Characteristics to Seek:

• Gentle spirit
• Peaceful spirit
• Calm demeanor
• Self-controlled
• Not overanxious
• Serene
• Spiritually mature

Balance: Inner and Outer Beauty

Key Points:

• Outward appearance matters—maintain and enhance it appropriately
• However, external beauty means nothing if someone is selfish, greedy, unkind, or dishonest
• Don't let the outer supersede the inner
• The quickest way to improve your appearance: SMILE

Realistic Expectations: Looking for "The One"

Truth Bombs:

• There is no "soulmate"—there are just better mates
• They won't meet every standard; if they did, they wouldn't be single
• You must decide what you can handle
• Don't expect more than you're displaying—we tend to ask for more than we're willing to give

The Reality of Dating with History:

• The older the person, the more relationships they've experienced ("recycling")
• They will have bags you don't want to carry
• The more partners they've had, the more challenging it will be
• You must get outside your comfort zone—your comfort zone has you where you are
• Start serving and doing new things to find new people

Closing Story: The Nissan Skyline R34

A father gave his daughter a valuable lesson about worth and placement:

The Test:

1. Used car lot: Offered $1,000 (saw it as worn out)
2. Pawn shop: Offered $100 (saw it as just an old car)
3. Car club: Offered $100,000 (recognized it as a Nissan Skyline R34, an iconic, sought-after vehicle)

The Lesson: "The right place values you the right way. If you are not valued, do not be angry—it means you are in the wrong place. Those who know your value are those who appreciate you. Never stay in a place where no one sees your value."

Final Truth: Transformation from Within

Proverbs 23:7 "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he."

A broke mind attracts broke people.

Key Principles:

• We move in the direction of our most dominant thought
• If you want to attract something different, you must think differently
• You must get healed on the inside to attract something different on the outside

Application Questions

1. Are you valuing inner beauty over outer appearance in your relationships?
2. What "shelf" are you honestly on, and have you accepted that reality?
3. Are you spending time to truly know someone's heart?
4. Where are you placing yourself to be properly valued?
5. What internal healing do you need before pursuing healthy relationships?