How to Transform Communication in Your Marriage

When Good Talk Game Disappears

It's amazing how we talk to get the person, but once we got them, we stop talking.

You had good talk game when you were dating. You called, you texted, you planned creative dates, you stayed up late talking about your dreams. But now? Silence. Avoidance. One-word answers.

This is the year of the open door, and we need to establish an open door policy in our relationships when it comes to communication. This business term—where employees can speak to supervisors about any issue—revolutionized some of the world's most successful companies. They realized people had good ideas, but organizational hierarchy blocked them from being heard.

The same principle applies to your marriage. For a relationship to thrive, you have to be willing to communicate. You have to be willing to talk. You have to be willing to share.

The Communication Crisis in Marriage

When we studied for this message, we came across research from therapists who conducted a 50-year study on marriages. One of their top findings? Bad communication is one of the leading issues in marriage.

Poor communication doesn't just affect your conversations—it cascades into every area of your relationship:

• Financial conflict - You can't agree on spending because you don't talk about money
• Intimacy issues - Unmet needs create distance and frustration
• Emotional disconnection - You stop sharing your heart
• Unresolved past hurts - Old wounds fester because they're never addressed

You'll never change what you don't confront. When you don't confront issues, you leave yourself with three options:

1. Ignore it - Pretend the problem doesn't exist
2. Endure it - Suffer in silence, building resentment
3. Try to cure it - Address it poorly without real resolution

Most people choose to sit back and be quiet, bleeding internally because they don't communicate.

Biblical Foundation: Naked and Unashamed

Genesis 2:23-25 gives us the blueprint for marital communication:

"Then the man said, 'This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, for she was taken out of man.' That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame."

Here's the revelation: The open door means I'm not hiding anything from you.

We are naked and unashamed. You can tell me anything. I can tell you anything. I'm open to you. This is what we have to get to in our marriages—a place where vulnerability is safe, where you can say, "I'm struggling with this right now," without fear of judgment or rejection.

Real talk: I've told my wife, "Charmaine, you need to fix me quickly in Jesus' name. My eyes are starting to go left—fix me, fix me!"

Some of you can't even be that honest. You suffer in silence. You get an attitude because your spouse didn't give you what you wanted, and they're totally oblivious. They think they're doing great—cleaning the house, cooking dinner—and you're not good at all.

You have to communicate. "I need you."

There's nothing wrong with that. If this is the last person you're supposed to be with, they need to fulfill every need.

Understanding Your Spouse's Cycle and Triggers

Let me share a story that illustrates the importance of knowing your spouse. We were in a counseling session with a couple we knew, and the wife was really snappy during the call—just out of character. I thought, "Man, she's a little off today."

After we got off the Zoom, her husband called me and said, "I just want to let you know her period is about to come on, so she's a little off."

I said, "I knew it! I knew something was different."

He explained, "Usually around this time, she gets a little more snappy, a little more agitated. I just don't stir the pot. What she was saying was true in the meeting, but she had a little extra spice on it."

I thought, "This is a good husband." He keeps track of when her menstrual cycle comes on. He knows she doesn't really act like this normally, but right before—maybe a few days—she's a little different.

Women go through so many hormonal changes: premenopausal, menopause, post-menopause, sweating for no reason, hot flashes, agitation, cramping, bleeding. It's a lot! And we're supposed to act the same, do the same, love on you the same, cook, clean, pick up kids, do homework?

I got an attitude. I'm mad. And I think I deserve to get a little grace and mercy.

When you know your spouse is going through something—whether it's your wife's cycle or your husband's stressful time at work—that might not be the best time to bring up something you want to work on in your relationship. If it's not a 911 emergency, wait. Allow them to go through what they're going through. Join them in it. Help them. Support them. Then address whatever issue you need to discuss.

The Power of Speaking Truth in Love

Ephesians 4:15 tells us: "But speaking the truth in love, let us grow up in all things."

In your marriage, you need to create some "from now on" and "never again" moments.

From now on, we're going to do it this way.
Never again are we going to do that.

If you keep repeating the same destructive cycle, that means you're not growing. If heated arguments in public didn't work before, then from now on, if we get heated in public, we're going to save it for private. Make some adjustments to your relationship.

We've all been out with a couple who doesn't know how to act, right? They start arguing wildly in front of everyone, and it's so uncomfortable that you never want to go out with them again. They have no "from now on" and no "never again."

I want to speak the truth. I have to do it in love. I have to be thoughtful in how I communicate with you.

Seasoning Your Words: Salt or Sugar?

Colossians 4:6 says: "Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer."

In Florida, there are lemon trees and grapefruit trees everywhere. If you've ever eaten a raw lemon or grapefruit, you know it's bitter. But depending on your palette, you neutralize that bitterness with either salt or sugar.

If you have to communicate something that's a little bitter, how are you going to neutralize that bitterness—with salt or sugar?

The answer depends on your spouse and how they filter information. We can give you advice until the cows come home about what works for us, but your spouse may not operate the same way. That's why we give you godly principles—so you can apply them to your specific marriage.

Is your conversation seasoned well? Because if it's seasoned well, people eat it. When you see people who can't receive what you're saying, it may not be them—it may be that you don't know how to season your words.

1 Corinthians 13:4 reminds us: "Love is patient and kind."

Is your communication like that? You say you love them—are you patient with them? Are you kind? Are you thoughtful with your words?

Proverbs 15:1 says: "A soft and gentle and thoughtful answer turns away wrath, but harsh and painful and careless words stir up anger."

You were soft and gentle when you were trying to get them, because they wouldn't be with you if you were the opposite. "Hey, sweet thing. Hey, sugar baby. Look at you, looking sexy!"

But now? Harsh. Critical. Impatient.

The Filter Problem: Why Your Spouse Can't Hear You

Dr. John Gottman from the Gottman Clinic conducted a 50-year study on marriages and discovered something crucial about communication. Here's the framework:

Intent → Speaker → Message → Filter → Listener → Impact

You have an intent, but the challenge is: does your intent get the impact you desire?

Here's what happens: I speak through my lens because that's how I see it, and I'm right (come on, brothers, you know this is true). The challenge is I'm speaking through my filter, but she's hearing through her filter. So now the message is muffled, and I think I'm saying the right thing, but she's not receiving it right.

If you don't deal with your filters, you may get bad quality reception.

What Creates Your Filter?

Often our filters come from:

• Our parents - How they communicated (or didn't)
• Our past - Previous relationships and experiences
• Our pain - Unhealed trauma and hurt

You hear through what you've been through. Sometimes when you talk to me, it reminds me of what I've been through. It's not you—it's what I've been through. That's why you have to deal with your filter.

Think about your dryer. The dryer light comes on and says, "Please clean the filter." Sometimes in your life, you've been going too far and you never cleaned your filter. So now you're not hearing clearly—you hear through your hurt.

If you don't check yourself and unpack your pain before you get in the relationship, you bring your pain with you. This person did nothing to you, and it's not their fault.

A lot of times we want to blame the other person for how they communicate, but we don't want to take responsibility for how we receive it. If you're always receiving from a hurt place or always turning things into a negative, you need to look within yourself and ask, "Why do I feel like this whenever people approach me?"

The Bus Story: Learning to Understand Different Perspectives

Let me share a story that illustrates how different filters affect communication.

When we were in college, I was always complaining about being broke. Charmaine suggested I get a job at the airport. I said, "Charmaine, where's the airport?" She said, "It's in Tallahassee." I said, "How am I supposed to get there?" She said, "I hear the bus service is reliable."

I said, "Charmaine, have you ever ridden a city bus before in your whole entire life?"

She said, "No."

"And you have the audacity to tell me to get on a bus, and you have never in your whole life ridden a bus?"

At the time, she was thrown back because the conversation took a left turn. But I had a point—she was making a suggestion based on what she had never experienced.

To her credit, Charmaine decided to take the bus to the mall with some friends. She quickly learned that the bus doesn't go straight to your destination—it stops at terminals where you transfer. When they got there, she went to the bus driver and said, "Why can't you just take us straight to the mall? I don't want to wait for another bus!"

The driver said, "Well, this is my route. My bus doesn't go to the mall. This is not a taxi."

After that experience, she understood why I was so upset about the bus suggestion. She had never ridden a city bus before, so she was making a suggestion based on her filter and what she had experienced—not understanding my reality.

Sometimes your filter is so different from your spouse's that you can't understand their perspective until you walk in their shoes.

Men: You Need to Communicate Before You Have a Heart Attack

Here's something critical for the brothers: Most men will die before their wives, and most of it is from heart attacks or strokes. Both are related to not releasing emotions and not communicating.

We say, "I'm hard," so we hold it all in. But being hard gives you a hard heart, and a heart attack is just your heart getting hard. The Bible says you have to have a pliable heart, a soft heart. A soft heart can receive, but when you have a hard heart, you can't listen.

Then we stroke out, and our wives live off our social security. All that money you saved? Now she doesn't have to argue with you anymore—she's going to spend it all because you didn't want to talk. Now she doesn't have to talk to you—she's making her own decisions.

This is not a joke. We have been desensitized to be quiet, to take it, don't say anything, don't cry, don't share. Then you internalize everything, and that internalization shows up in your blood pressure.

Women have lower blood pressure because they talk all the time. They're not holding anything in—they get it off their chest.

Your Options, Brother:

1. Communicate - Tell her how you feel. It doesn't have to be long, but at least tell her where you're going, what you're doing
2. Save some words for your wife - The average woman uses more words per day than men. Be judicious about making sure you save some words for your wife. You may have to cut off a friend early or cut back on work conversations because you need to save a couple hundred words for her
3. Remember: Unmet needs get met - If you don't meet her need to communicate, she's going to talk to somebody else

Remember Eve? She ended up talking to the serpent. Why? Maybe Adam didn't have time.

Practical Communication Tips for Your Marriage

1. Have a Code Word

We have a code word we use when we're around other people. If I hurt Charmaine's feelings or say something that touched her feelings just a little bit, she uses our code. Then I know, "Oh shoot, let me be quiet or let me back up," and we'll talk about it later.

If you don't do that, it's going to continue to happen. Then you stay quiet about it, and eventually you blow up over something small that you wouldn't have blown up about before—but because you never addressed the first thing, you exploded.

2. Know When to Address Issues

There's a way to approach situations respectfully without being disrespectful. A lot of times you want to get your point across right then and there, but maybe right then isn't the right time. You need to wait until you get in the car or until you're alone.

3. Learn Your Spouse's Triggers

Charmaine likes things to be a certain way. If they're not a certain way, she's not going to be a certain way. I stopped trying to fight her on what she wants because I want what I want too.

For example, when we're moving stuff around the house, she doesn't like clutter all over the place. She wants to do things one at a time—bring something in, unload it, put it away, then get the next thing. I'm like, "Let's just get it all out!" But that's chaos in her mind.

She's learned to communicate: "Okay, pull back. This is a trigger for me."

Why would I get to the point where she has to pull the trigger? I know she wants a certain order, so I'm going to work on making sure we don't put her in a position where she feels that way.

The Bible says deal with your wife according to knowledge. After a few years, you should know her triggers, preferences, and patterns.

4. Ask Clarifying Questions

Often when I ask Charmaine, "This is what I heard—is this what you meant?" she'll say, "No, that's not what I meant."

My bad. I didn't hear her right. Sometimes she doesn't say it right either. She thought she was saying one thing, but once the words came out, we both looked at each other like, "Oh, my bad."

Communication is an imperfect art, and you never have it perfect.

Growing Up in Your Communication

Here's what you need to remember when communicating with your spouse:

Question 1: Does This Person Love Me?

If they're still there with you, there's a reason. Maybe they're trying to help you, but they don't know how to communicate correctly. Maybe you need to reword it. Maybe you need to ask a question.

Question 2: Are They Trying to Help Me?

People often have good intentions, but if you don't hear correctly, you will only hear through your pain and your hurt. Sometimes you're so hurt you can't even receive a compliment—a compliment offends you. That means you need to get healed.

Question 3: Can I Receive This?

Years ago, when our church was four or five years old, I had a goal of memorizing everyone's name. Charmaine said, "Jomo, you need to stop that right now."

I was like, "I'm good at it though!"

She said, "Jomo, do you think TD Jakes knows everyone's name? Do you think Joel Osteen knows everyone's name?"

Then one night at Bible study, I said hi to a lady using her name, and she said, "That ain't my name. You've been calling me the wrong name this whole time!"

I went back to tell my wife what happened. Probably not a good idea.

She said, "I told you you can't do that anymore, Jomo."

I was hot. I said, "I heard you, but I ain't TD Jakes! I ain't Joel Osteen!"

She let me sit there for a minute, then came back and said, "Jomo, I wasn't telling you that you're TD Jakes or Joel Osteen. I'm telling you that you need to get ready for that kind of level."

She was trying to give me a compliment, but I couldn't receive it because I was all up in my feelings.

Sometimes you miss someone trying to help you because of your trauma. A lot of my inferiority issues came from not having my father there to endorse me or speak life into me. So I looked for endorsement anywhere I could—that was part of my trauma. I was hearing through that trauma, and she was just trying to give me a compliment.

Sometimes you're so hurt, you can't even receive a compliment.

The Professional Athlete Principle

There are multimillionaire professional athletes who miscommunicate, reading the wrong signal on the field. If they're professional athletes who practice every single day and they miss signals, how many signals do you miss in your marriage?

And here's the thing—their checks are attached to their communication. They're actually focused on it, and they still mess up.

What I want you to do is reemphasize your communication like your life depended on it—because it just might.

Start Here:

1. Create an open door policy - Make it safe for your spouse to share anything
2. Clean your filter - Identify your parents, past, and pain that affect how you hear
3. Season your words - Speak truth, but do it with love and thoughtfulness
4. Learn your spouse - Know their triggers, cycles, and communication style
5. Establish "from now on" and "never again" - Set new patterns and break old ones
6. Ask clarifying questions - "This is what I heard—is this what you meant?"
7. Assume positive intent - Remember they love you and are trying to help

A Prayer for Better Communication

Father God, thank You for Your Word. I pray Your Word hits its mark today. For anyone here who struggles with communication in their marriage, I pray for breakthrough.

Help us to speak truth in love. Help us to clean our filters—to deal with our pain from our parents, our past, and our trauma so we can hear clearly. Give us wisdom to season our words with grace. Help us to be patient, kind, and thoughtful in how we communicate.

Jesus, You understand our weaknesses, so we come boldly to the throne of grace to receive fresh mercy and fresh help. Teach us to communicate like our marriages depend on it—because they do.

Holy Spirit, guide us, lead us, and fill us. Help us to create an open door policy in our homes where nothing is hidden, where we can be naked and unashamed, where vulnerability is safe.

In Jesus' name, amen.

Reflection Questions

1. What filters from your parents, past, or pain affect how you hear your spouse?
2. Are you speaking through your filter without considering their filter?
3. Do you need salt or sugar to neutralize difficult conversations with your spouse?
4. What "from now on" and "never again" moments do you need to establish?
5. Are you holding things in instead of communicating? How is that affecting your health and marriage?
6. Can you receive a compliment from your spouse, or does your trauma block it?
7. What triggers does your spouse have that you need to be more mindful of?

Action Steps This Week

• Establish a code word with your spouse for when feelings are hurt in public
• Have a filter conversation - Share what from your past affects how you communicate
• Practice clarifying questions - "This is what I heard, is this what you meant?"
• Identify one "from now on" and one "never again" for your communication
• Learn your spouse's cycle - Whether physical, emotional, or work-related stress patterns
• Save words for your spouse - Cut back on other conversations to have energy for them
• Ask these three questions before reacting: Does this person love me? Are they trying to help me? Can I receive this?

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