Talking About Money in Marriage

The Silent Marriage Killer

According to a recent study, 67.5% of marriages ended primarily because of communication problems. And one of the top areas couples fight about? Money.

There's an old song that goes: "Money, money, money, money... MONEY! Some people really need it. Some people got to have it."

But here's what the song doesn't tell you: Money issues will destroy your marriage if you don't learn how to talk about them.

According to Fidelity Investments' 2021 Couples and Money Study:

• One in five couples identify money as their greatest relationship challenge
• Nearly one in four individuals said they're often frustrated by their partner's money habits
• But here's the kicker: They go without talking about it because they want to keep the peace

Let me ask you directly: Are you totally transparent when it comes to your finances?

Does your spouse know about:

• Your bonuses?
• That secret credit card in the back of your wallet?
• That other account you have?
• Your "run for the border" account?
• Your "get free" account?
• Your "she don't know" account?

It's funny how we say "In God We Trust," but the real question is: Do you trust your spouse?

Naked and Unashamed: Financial Transparency in Marriage

Genesis 2:25 says: "And the man and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed or embarrassed."

Are you totally transparent when it comes to your finances?

Proverbs 3:5 tells us: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; lean not to your own understanding."

But the question we have to ask ourselves is: Can I trust you with money?

When Charmaine and I first got married, we didn't have much, so everything went into one account. We started sharing from the very beginning. I know that's not everybody's situation, but we just continued that pattern.

The only problem with complete transparency? When I want to buy him something as a surprise, there is no surprise because he sees it coming out of the bank! I have alerts set up, so I can't buy him an extravagant gift without him knowing.

If a certain amount of money comes out at one time, he gets a text message on his cell phone. Which is not a bad thing if you're not trying to surprise your spouse with a gift!

Understanding Where Your Spouse Comes From

Jomo's Story: Growing Up Without

Let me give you context for why money was such a sensitive issue for me early in our marriage.

I never received a gift I wanted as a child. I always got what I got, but it wasn't what I wanted. So seeing Charmaine buy what she wanted just did something to me. I couldn't understand: "How do you do that? You can just buy what you want?"

I came from a single-parent home. I split bills with my mother. I'd send her half of the money from my student loans. I had to figure stuff out constantly. When we got together, I just couldn't fathom how she could make purchases without thinking about all these other things I had to think about.

Then I stayed with my father in a blended family. We'd go back-to-school shopping, and I'll never forget:

• My stepbrother got the black parachute Michael Jackson pants—I got the gray ones (Michael Jackson didn't wear gray ones)
• He got a BMX Mongoose bike—I got a Huffy (they both roll, I agree, but don't do it at the same time while I'm watching the purchase!)
• He got the wooden wide skateboard—I got the plastic skinny one you can't do tricks on

I was so used to being second-class. I was so used to never getting what I wanted.

Even when I got a video game, my mother said I had to pay for half of it. So at 8 years old, standing at that bus stop, I'm telling myself: "I'll never be here. I'll never be here."

I was making declarations at 8 years old. I'd tell my aunts (who took money out of my drawer), "One day I'm going to be rich." It was because I was so angry—I didn't have anything. I never picked what I wanted. It was always, "Here, take this."

So when I saw Charmaine able to buy what she wanted, my perspective was very different.

Charmaine's Story: A Different Reality

When I was growing up, my parents did teach me the value of money, but it was just different.

In my house, we had a list of chores. When you did your chores at the end of the week, you got allowance—you got rewarded.

I used to sell lemonade on the corner and make money. We had fruit trees in the backyard, and I would sell mangoes to make money on the side.

When we got our report cards, my parents actually gave us money for A's and B's. (You didn't get nothing for C's and D's, but you got money for A's and B's.) That A was a $20 bill.

My mom had an envelope system. We would go on one big vacation a year, and every time we had extra money at the end of the month, she would put it in the envelope for vacation. My brother and I would put all our spare change in a big glass jar and watch it grow. At the end of the year, right before vacation, we'd dump it out, roll up all the coins, take it to the bank, and that's what we'd use for spending money on vacation.

It was a different way of thinking about money. That was my norm.

But when I got with Jomo, his norm was so much more extreme than my norm. We had to figure it out.

The Revelation: Understanding Changes Everything

When I met Jomo in college, even going to his dorm room, he didn't have a lot of clothes. And Jomo never complained—because that was his norm.

I looked at his situation and realized: That was his norm because he never complained about it. He was in survival mode, so he stayed in survival mode.

His whole thing was: "I got to get money." He did some things he's not proud of, but when you understand where your spouse comes from, it helps you navigate.

It helps you understand some of their habits and their way of thinking.

Breaking the Poverty Mentality

Now, I do believe as you elevate yourself and as God grows you, your thinking has to change. You can't have a poverty mentality when God has elevated you to a certain level, or you're going to hold yourself down.

I remember calling my mother when Charmaine and I got serious. She said, "Why you don't have no money? Why are you always broke? You don't get no allowance?"

I said, "What's allowance?"

She said, "Well, parents give you money."

I said, "For what? You just get money? Do you do work and get grades?"

I said, "That's being alive. If you're alive, you have to do that."

So I called my mama up and said, "Mama, you didn't whoop me for 18 years—you were supposed to give me allowance!"

What did she say? "Shut up. Do your work and shut up."

I hung up the phone and said, "Okay, that's not going to work out for me."

Real-Life Money Lessons We Learned the Hard Way

The $1,400 Phone Bill (1998)

The first month of us living together—right after we got married, Jomo went off to training camp in Arizona after being drafted by the Arizona Cardinals. I met him at the end, and he got us an apartment and got all the bills cut on by himself.

I was talking to my mom every day because we didn't know anybody in Phoenix. I would call my mom every morning and talk to her for hours while I was cleaning, cooking, or doing whatever.

In 1998, it wasn't like you could call anywhere in the United States for free—they charged you per minute.

I didn't realize that. I just felt like if you had a phone and it dialed the number, it was the same bill.

By the end of the month, the bill was $1,400. In 1998. I was calling Florida—not Europe!

I felt so bad, but I just did not realize they were charging me per minute to talk to my mama.

I had to tell my mom: "Listen, we can only talk for two minutes a day. How you doing? I'm doing good. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Love you. Bye!"

Y'all remember those collect calls? "I'm home, will you accept this call?" Then you'd say, "Hey Mom, I'm in the airport!" and hang up before they charged you. That was the code!

I got a job at Ulta to help, but I couldn't afford to pay off the bill with an Ulta paycheck. I was working for nothing!

The Candy Bar Philosophy

I would bite a Snickers bar—take one good bite, chew it, meditate on how good it was, then wrap it up, put it in the refrigerator, and come back another day.

Charmaine would think, "Oh, he ate what he wanted—it's leftovers. I'll eat the rest."

So she would go behind me and eat the rest of the candy bar, not knowing I was saving it for later.

I'd be like, "Where's my candy bar? I was saving that for later!"

She was like, "Oh, you wanted that for later? You know you could have the whole candy bar, right?"

We're having this conversation while I'm in the NFL. "You could eat the whole candy bar, and I will go out and get you another candy bar with my Ulta check!"

What you've been through has so jacked up your psyche that even though you have money, you can't even spend it because you're afraid you'll go back to where you once were.

Biblical Principles for Money in Marriage

The Budget System: Deal With Your Wife According to Knowledge

1 Peter 3:7 tells husbands to "deal with your wife according to knowledge."

My wife likes nice things. When I met her, she liked nice things. I don't think she's going to change. So I have to identify what I have and work with that.

She has an addictive nature—if she likes something, she's going to go to the moon with it. She likes audiobooks (not a bad thing), but she will take it to the extreme.

So I saw the bill and said, "Charmaine, it's a lot." Then I said, "Okay, I'm going to find a better plan."

I called Audible and said, "I want an annual subscription." Every month they give you a better deal if you buy in bulk. I said, "Charmaine, you get credits. Here's your new plan. You're not going to buy individual books—I buy in bulk."

I accommodated for her being who she is. I'm not going to kill her for being who she is—I'm going to work around it to find the atmosphere where she can flourish.

We argue about things we should not argue about. The person is not changing. 70% of the issues you argue about is the same issue. So you have to figure out: How are we going to work this out?

And here's the miracle: God is so good! Audible started paying her to do reviews because her book count was so high. Then authors started sending her money, asking for her opinion and input.

God can turn what was a problem into a blessing if you let Him have it.

I could have stayed mad about "why you do this," versus saying, "You know what? I love that you want to read. I love that you want to grow. How can I facilitate that within the budget?"

Creating Financial Rules and Boundaries

The Cousins Family Rules

After going through bankruptcy, foreclosure, water cut off, lights cut off—I know that reality. So I said, "We're going to create some new rules. It's called the Cousins Family Rules."

I wrote down a list:

1. We're not getting a new car—we're going to buy them cash
2. We're going to save a certain amount per month
3. Every year we're going to have an annual meeting about what we're going to save
4. We're going to have an annual meeting about what we're going to give

We started doing it, and it went from:

• 1 month of savings → 12 months
• 12 months → 24 months
• 24 months → 36 months
• Now we're at 7 years of savings (we could sit home for seven years and not work)

But it started with one month.

Going through bankruptcy and foreclosure, I wanted to keep my bills real low. When you buy a lot of stuff cash, you don't have a lot of bills, so you can stack and prepare yourself.

And then all of a sudden, you sleep better. Nobody's knocking on your door because you prepared yourself.

What We Don't Argue About Anymore

We made strategic decisions about what we're NOT going to argue about:

1. Giving

We're not going to argue about giving to the church or to others. Last year, God pressed me to give the biggest number I've ever given in my whole life in one time—$50,000.

When you give big, you feel it. It should not be, "Oh, glory to God!" It's more like, "Lord... glory..."

I told Charmaine, "God's really pressing me to take it to the next level, and it's going to be a big number."

She said, "Well, if God tells you to do it..." Everyone say agreement.

I said, "God's leading me to give $50,000 this big giving."

She said, "Okay. All right. We agree."

And here's the thing: Two years ago, I told Charmaine I feel God leading me to this level. I said, "Lord, one day I'm going to give a $100,000 check." I put it in the atmosphere and wait for God to say "okay."

We build our budget around what we're going to give—not around what we want. It's what we give, and then we figure out how all the other stuff is going to happen around what we're giving.

Then the heavens open up because now you've made God first. Everything else just comes to you.

As soon as I agreed to it, I got two or three speaking engagements to pay for it. Someone's going to buy something that belongs to us for over six figures. God sets people in the right places to bring it to you.

2. Our Children's Education

My kids cost thousands of dollars a month—real talk. Tutoring, special this, special that. It just costs. And if you've got kids that cost you a lot of money every month, say "Yeah!"

We made a decision: We're not going to argue about educating our children.

3. Health

If you don't have health, you don't have anything. We're not going to argue about health.

4. Saving

We're not going to argue about saving.

What happens when you minimize the issues you can talk about? You have less fights.

Practical Money Communication Strategies

Strategy 1: Set a Spending Limit

How much can I spend without my spouse knowing?

Everyone say that's a real conversation. How much can you spend?

When we were going through financial issues, it was $100. It's a lot more now.

The new rule is: credit check or down payment. If you need a down payment or credit check, we got to talk.

He still gets a text message if I spend more than a certain amount, but that's for fraud prevention. We just got to be careful because there are scammers out there.

Strategy 2: Discuss Family and Friends

We have to discuss how much we're willing to give family members and friends if they ask us for money.

If you already have a set number as to what you're going to give them, then there's no discussing. You don't have to make your spouse a bad person. You don't have to make it seem like you're rejecting them or you don't love them.

This is what's in our budget to be able to give you, and this is all we can give you. We've already discussed it in our marriage.

When a family member comes to you and asks you for money, the first thing I think is: Is this really helping you, or am I enabling you?

If I give you the money, are you still going to be in the same spot next month? Because that means you wasted my money.

If I give you the money for half of your eviction and you still get evicted next month, I could have kept my money—you still get evicted anyway. Real talk.

I'm not going to go outside of my monthly budget because you didn't plan.

Your lack of preparation is not my emergency.

Strategy 3: The "Are We on the Same Team?" Question

When Jomo first started talking to me about the budget, it wasn't as nice as he's giving you examples now.

It used to be: "Charmaine, I just want to know something—are we on the same team? Because right now it feels like you're on the opposing team and I'm on my team. We're not on a team together.

"What colors are you wearing right now? Are you on offense and I'm on defense? What's going on?"

I was trying to communicate in a manner that she could understand: You are not working with me.

"You said we had a goal to save this amount of money, and your actions are not indicative of a person who believes in our vision."

He was saying, "You threw an interception. You fumbled the ball. You false-started. You're offsides."

Every play—just throw the flag!

For us to work together, we have to agree.

The 32% Problem: Financial Adultery

CreditCard.com had a study: 32% of couples commit financial adultery.

Do you commit financial adultery? Do you cheat on your spouse financially?

What does that mean?

• Spending more money than you say you did
• Holding secret accounts
• Secret credit cards
• Hidden debt

That means when you go to get a car with your spouse, they pull your credit up and your husband finds out in front of the salesperson that you had a SunTrust account he didn't know nothing about.

You go to buy a house, they pull your credit, and your spouse finds out you had a credit card with $20,000 on it they didn't know nothing about.

That's why you've been broke! Now it makes sense.

The Solution: Total Transparency

Get a spreadsheet. Write down everything you have.

Here's the sad part: Most people find out during the burial. At funerals. "I ain't know."

Here's what we do in our house:

• We talk about how much we have
• I tell her where the money is
• I tell her how to access the money
• I tell her where our insurance policies are and how much they are
• We talk about the monthly budget
• I say, "This is how much we're making this month"

I talk about it every month.

"We had a good month this month—I had a couple speaking engagements, couple this, couple that."

I talk to her when we have to cut back: "Man, you had a bad month last month, and we have to tighten up."

"I'm happy you got what you wanted, but for the next 3 months, we're going to be on a financial fast."

The Shopping Philosophy

We'll go to a really nice store, and he'll be like, "Ooh babe, try this on, try that on!"

He's doing it for fun. I'm doing it to buy.

I don't shop for fun. I don't shop for sport. When I go shopping, I'm going to buy something, and then we're getting it and we're leaving.

You will never see me in the mall just walking around. "Oh, I'm just walking around." No.

In fact, sometimes I go as far as calling the store: "Do you have this? Do you have it in my size? What store can I park at to get to your store the fastest?" Because I'm on a mission.

I don't like stores like Marshalls and TJ Maxx where you got to go through everything. I want a mannequin that has a whole outfit already put together, and I want that whole outfit, and I'm done.

I go shopping with girlfriends, and I'm the one sitting next to the husband at the front of the door talking about, "How long you been here? Two hours? I ain't going to be here that long. I'm going to leave her right in this store."

So Jomo was like, "Ooh, try this on, try that on." I try it on, I like it. He's like, "We ain't got the budget for that."

"Why'd you have me try it on? You should have looked at the price tag before you brought it up in here! You already knew we're on a budget!"

The Balance Solution

Here's what we do: Everyone say balance.

"Now, do you want that?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Your birthday is in July—that would be your birthday present. Do you want it?"

"Yeah, for me that works."

"Cool, okay, get it."

Why? Because I stay within the budget. I already know the annual budget. I know how much we're going to spend. I already have an annual budget.

"Your budget for the year is X amount, and you could do whatever you want with that budget. If you choose to do this, I'm fine with that."

You limit arguments when you talk about it.

Why Jesus Talked About Money So Much

In the Bible, there are over 2,000 scriptures on money. Sixteen out of 38 parables Jesus spoke about were about money.

Why did Jesus talk about it so much?

Matthew 6:21: "For where your treasure is, that's where your heart is."

When you're dealing with love, money falls in there because money is an action of the heart.

We have to be mindful that if you're not careful how you handle the money, it will cause a rift in your marriage.

1 Timothy 6:10: "For the love of money (that is, the greedy desire for it and the willingness to gain it unethically) is the root of all sorts of evil, and some by longing for it have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves through and through with many sorrows."

From Bankruptcy to 7 Years of Savings

We've been through:

• Bankruptcy
• Foreclosure
• Water cut off
• Lights cut off

But we made choices. We talk about "the 50-year-old Charmaine plan" and "the 55-year-old Charmaine plan."

We're making choices now to prepare for that next stage.

We will be disciplined now so we can live like no one else then.

Proverbs 13:11: "Wealth gained hastily will dwindle, but whoever gathers little by little will increase it."

Wealth is gained little by little over time—compounding good decisions.

You have to make choices: How do I want to live when I don't want to work anymore? It's all based on the choices you make right now.

Start the Conversation Today

Our whole goal in this message is for you to start talking.

If you have an issue, listen: We got to work on this. Because if you don't deal with your issue, your issue will eventually deal with you.

I remember I came home one day and the water wasn't working. I'm calling the water company, looking for a bill. My neighbor said, "Jomo, what's wrong?"

I said, "Man, they cut my water off!"

He said, "Jomo, you're on a well. You don't have a water bill."

I forgot! But I've had real issues where power got cut off, and you realize: You know what? We need to work on this.

Don't wait for those things to happen before you have a conversation.

A Prayer for Financial Breakthrough

Father God, I thank You today for Your Word. I pray Your Word hits its mark. For anyone struggling with communication about money in their marriage, I pray for breakthrough.

Help us to be transparent, naked and unashamed in our finances. Help us to trust each other and work together as a team. Give us wisdom to build our budget around giving first, then figure out the rest.

Break off poverty mentalities. Heal childhood wounds that affect how we handle money today. Give us discipline to save, generosity to give, and wisdom to spend.

Jesus, You are our High Priest. You understand our weaknesses. We come boldly to the throne of grace to receive fresh mercy and fresh help.

Holy Spirit, guide us in every financial decision. Help us to seek first the kingdom of God, knowing that when we do, all these things will be added to us.

In Jesus' name, amen.

Reflection Questions

1. Are you totally transparent about your finances with your spouse?
2. Do you have any secret accounts, credit cards, or debt your spouse doesn't know about?
3. How did your childhood shape your current money mindset?
4. Are you enabling or helping when you give money to family members?
5. Do you and your spouse agree on how much you can spend without discussion?
6. What are you NOT going to argue about anymore when it comes to money?
7. Are you building your budget around giving first, or around what you want?

Action Steps This Week

• Have the transparency conversation - Reveal all accounts, debts, and financial obligations
• Set a spending limit - Agree on how much can be spent without discussion (credit check or down payment rule)
• Create your family financial rules - Write down what you will and won't do with money
• Decide what you won't argue about - Giving, children's education, health, saving
• Establish the family and friends boundary - Agree on how much you'll give if asked
• Schedule annual financial meetings - Discuss giving goals and saving goals yearly
• Start with one month of savings - Begin building your emergency fund today
• Track your spending together - Use a spreadsheet to see where money is going

The Bottom Line

Money problems are really communication problems.

When you don't talk about finances, you breed resentment, secrets, and eventual destruction in your marriage.

But when you:

• Understand where your spouse came from
• Create clear financial boundaries
• Build your budget around giving first
• Minimize what you argue about
• Maintain total transparency
• Make strategic long-term choices

You can go from bankruptcy and foreclosure to seven years of savings. You can go from fighting about money to working together as a team.

Your lack of preparation is not your spouse's emergency. But your commitment to communication can be your marriage's salvation.

Start talking about money today. Create your open door policy for finances. Be naked and unashamed.

Because 67.5% of marriages fail due to communication problems—don't let yours be one of them.

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