11 Keys to Avoiding Counterfeits in Christian Dating

Looking for the one? In today's dating world, it's easy to settle for counterfeits instead of waiting for God's authentic design. Just like researchers who placed 100 decoy birds on an island to attract endangered albatrosses, only to watch one bird spend two years courting a wooden fake, many of us invest our time and hearts in relationships that were never real.

Some of you are building lives with decoys, spending time with people who won't give you their name, fighting off rivals for someone who isn't truly there. But God has something better planned. He wants to give you the wisdom to identify the characteristics of the real deal versus a decoy.

There's no guaranteed formula to finding the one, but God gives us clues to help us navigate this journey. Today, I'm sharing 10 keys to knowing when you're ready for a genuine, God-honoring relationship.

Key #1: Your Faith and Relationship with God Has Been Established

Before we start worrying about other people, how is your relationship with God? Get the vertical right before you concern yourself with the horizontal. Get to know His voice and His Word so He can give you instructions. Jesus said, "My sheep hear my voice; a stranger they will not follow."

I need to hear from God. Is he stable? Is she genuine? Because a person may look good but not be good for you.

Matthew 22:37 teaches us: "Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'"

Think about that, ALL your heart. You can't give that to somebody else. That's ALL your heart, all your mind, all your soul. My relationship with others should be the overflow of my relationship with Jesus. He is my priority, and when I get that relationship right and settled, then I'm ready to invite people into my life.

It's very difficult to have a good marriage without the God of marriage. If God created marriage, how is it going to work without Him in it? I've been married to my lovely wife for 25 years. The majority have been good, but here's the reality: I'm imperfect and she's imperfect. Two imperfect people trying to live a perfect marriage doesn't work. Jesus has to come in and help us die to our flesh for the greater purpose of His kingdom.

Key #2: You've Learned to Put God as Your Top Priority

God knows what you're ready for and what you're not ready for. Some of you would make a man or a woman your top priority, relegating God to number two. Have you cemented in your mind that you're going to put God first regardless of who comes into your life?

Matthew 6:33 teaches us: "Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need."

I've seen people who were faithful when single get married and become ghosts at church. Anything you put above God will not last. Anything you put above God has become an idol, and every idol falls.

Make sure God is the priority. If the person has you changing your relationship with Christ, you know it's not the one. Anyone who's directing you away from God's purpose cannot be from God. This isn't deep. If the person isn't helping you get better, what are they helping you with?

It's hard enough to come to church by yourself. Having someone who says "you don't really need all that" is a red flag. Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Get that cemented in your mind that God is first, and anyone coming into your life better recognize that. They should love that about you.

Key #3: The Holy Spirit's Guidance

When you get Jesus, you get a package deal. You get the Holy Spirit, and that's your secret sauce.

John 16:13 reads: "But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come."

Did you catch that? He will disclose to you what is to come in the future. That's why you have to have the relationship. Often people say "something told me." Put some respect on it, the Holy Spirit helped me, the Holy Spirit woke me up, the Holy Spirit gave me wisdom.

The purpose of the Holy Spirit is to give you wisdom, insight, and direction so you can get where you need to go. When my relationship with God is right, I start to get my antennas up. Now you can get better frequency. You could turn it off if you want to, but that won't be beneficial. As you develop the relationship, you'll get more contact, and He'll give you more wisdom to see things and understand things for your betterment.

Key #4: You Learn to Appreciate Your Own Company

Some of you are miserable solo. Let me help you. Nobody wants to be around you. You've got to find your joy by yourself. You should have inner peace by yourself.

You are not going to find joy in somebody else. They're not going to make you happy. They're not responsible for your happiness. Your happiness is based on you, and if you're not happy by yourself, you're not ready for a relationship.

When you're thirsty, you find decoys. When you walk in the desert, there are things called mirages. You're thirsty, so you'll run all that way, get over there, and find nothing but sand. You got tricked.

The overwhelming feeling of peace should be in your heart. You should feel a deep sense of happiness and fulfillment in your everyday life. Be happy with yourself. Find your peace. A smile changes your countenance, and people want to be around happy people.

1 Timothy 6:6 says: "Godliness with contentment is great gain."

Godliness with contentment. I've got me. If it's just me and Jesus, I'm good. You're not ready for a relationship until you get this part. You're not looking for anything. You're good. You've got peace.

Key #5: You're Learning to Trust God's Timing and His Plan

This is hard. "My clock is ticking, Pastor. My clock is ticking."

Don't put God on the clock. He's not worried about your time; He's worried about His time. You have to be able to trust what God's plan is for your life. Often we try to force-feed God what we want. If you birth it in the flesh, you've got to keep it in the flesh. You want what God wants for you.

I watched my mother struggle with this. She was single and baked for the church. She made cinnamon cake every Sunday and curry chicken for Bible study. But she was lonely. She told me she was going to get married, and I said, "Mama, I don't think that's the best thing to do." Of course, being the smart mouth that she was, she said, "That's easy for you to say."

She found someone, and I told her, "Mama, that's not the one." She married him anyway. She became stressed, didn't know where he was at night, didn't know about his finances. She'd call me crying and worried. She worried herself sick. She passed away.

Sometimes being single and sane is better than being married and insane. I've seen some happy single people get married, and their desire to be with somebody superseded God's will for their life. They fell for a decoy versus the real thing, and all it brought was stress.

Every person comes with a problem; you just don't know what it is yet. If they're alive, they've got a problem. You just have to sit there long enough to find out what it is.

God told Abraham he would have a son, but Sarah said "how long?" That's how they got caught up with Hagar and Ishmael, they couldn't wait. All of us are in the waiting room. Some are waiting for marriage, some for children, some for business, some for a wayward child to come home. All of us are in a waiting room. It's how you handle your waiting room that matters.

Key #6: Self-Care and Self-Love Are Your Best Friends

You know when somebody's ready when they start taking care of themselves. You know when they're not ready when they stop taking care of themselves.

You start going to the gym. You start taking care of yourself. You start thinking higher of yourself. You've gotten your issues dealt with. You've gotten healed. You've let go of your insecurities. "This is what God made me. I'm the better version of me."

You start to receive yourself properly. You start to see yourself properly. "I was fearfully and wonderfully made in God's image and likeness. God doesn't make junk." You start to think of yourself differently.

A newfound desire to improve your physical, emotional, and mental health develops. You're becoming emotionally mature. You've dealt with your insecurities and all your past pain.

Proverbs 19:8 reads: "He who gains wisdom and good sense loves and preserves his own soul; he who keeps understanding will find good and prosper."

You will not love someone well until you love yourself. You've got to love you.

Key #7: You Value a Person's Character Over Their Looks

Most bad relationships you've had were with somebody who looked good. Raise your hand, I know I'm telling the truth. Most of the bad ones, you got caught up with a decoy. When you look back over your life, the first thing that got you was how they looked.

1 Samuel 16:7 says: "But the Lord said to Samuel, 'Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.'"

Let me tell you a story. We were in Puerto Rico this week, and I found a coconut on the beach. It looked terrible: black, old, rough on the outside. My wife said, "Don't do it. You're going to get sick." But I opened it up, and it was the best juice and fruit I've had in years.

The coconut looked like it didn't look good on the outside, but it was the best thing on the inside. Sometimes you'll miss a good thing looking at the outer appearance, not knowing what's on the inside. We judge books by their covers and never find out what's really inside. You miss good people because you're judging from the outside.

Key #8: Your Perception of Love Has Changed

When you were younger, you thought love was one thing. But if you live long enough, your definition of love changes.

A bill paid on time is love. Picking up your clothes is love. Washing a dish every now and then is love. Rotating the tires is love. As you get older, love changes. You do not base love on feelings anymore.

Let's be clear: Love is a choice, not a feeling. Love is a choice, not a feeling.

If you have kids, raise your hand. Keep your hands up if they've lied to you. Raise your hands if they stole stuff from you. But if somebody touches that child, you're going to fight for that baby, even though they lied and stole.

Why can't you do that for your husband? Why can't you do that for your wife? You choose who you want to love. Love is a choice. It doesn't matter what that baby does, you've chosen that regardless of what they do, you love them. Love is not a feeling; it's a choice.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 says: "Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, doesn't have a swelled head, doesn't force itself on others, isn't always 'me first,' doesn't fly off the handle, doesn't keep score of the sins of others, doesn't revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end. Love never dies."

Here's what I do: When I'm not acting right (which is rare), I read this to myself and put my name where love is. "Jomo never gives up. Jomo cares more for others than for himself. Jomo doesn't want what he doesn't have. Jomo doesn't strut. Jomo doesn't have a swelled head."

After you read that to yourself, you're going to have a real conversation with you. Often it's not them. It's me, Lord, it's me. You cannot read that and live that out without doing a heart check.

The best example of this is Jesus. He loved us all out, knowing we're sinners, knowing we're flawed. He still loved us. The question is: Can you do that for others?

Key #9: You Become Responsible

You're not looking for a savior. Not saying Jesus. I'm saying some people are looking for some man or woman to live off of.

You become more responsible. You're financially independent. You're not looking for someone to take care of you. Your sufficiency is in Christ.

2 Corinthians 9:8 says: "And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work."

Your sufficiency is in Christ. When you get there, then you're ready for somebody.

Key #10: You're Developing Stronger Communication Skills

You now can express yourself. There was a time in your life where you were just joy-riding, going wherever they wanted to go. But now you've found your voice because you have a relationship with Christ.

"I can't do that. I won't do that. We're not going there. You're not going to talk to me like that."

There was a time in your life where you were quiet and let stuff happen to you. You never spoke up for yourself. And what happens when you don't confront something? It cannot change. If something's wrong, you need to call it wrong.

My wife probably wouldn't be here right now if she didn't speak up. Real talk. She said, "Jomo, I know you've been around, and I'm not going to run around with you. So whenever you're ready to settle down, I'll be here."

About two months later, I was ready to settle down. If you don't say anything, you're saying yes to everything. "I'm not doing that. We're not going there. We're not doing this." "Why not?" "Well, I prayed about it, and unless you're ready to do this, no."

If you don't speak up, they may not grow up. That's a word for somebody.

Ephesians 4:15 says: "Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ."

When you speak up, you're actually walking like Christ. Often we have the wrong idea that a man may know what to do because he's a man. Just because he's a man doesn't mean he's a husband. Just because she's a female doesn't mean she's a wife.

If you don't have the right environment where there's mentoring and coaching, you may just have a grown boy or grown girl. They're grown, but they're immature. That's why you have to have a place where they can learn how to be godly. That's why the relationship with God is so critical—I cannot give you what I do not know.

Key #11: You Can Have Intimacy Without Having Sex

Some of you are too hot right now. Brother brought you a cheeseburger, and you're talking about "where we going?" You're not ready until you can have a conversation and date without thinking about physical intimacy.

If a person really cares about your spiritual needs, he's going to say, "Let's wait." If she cares, and care means love, the first ingredient in love is patience. But it's hard if you put yourself in a bad spot.

One of our brothers called me and said, "Pastor, I'm single and holding on. I'm about to go on a trip with a lady friend. I think I'm strong enough to stay in the same room with her."

I said, "Brother, the reason you called me is the Holy Spirit told you something. And you didn't call your friend, you called Pastor to ask whether you are strong enough to be in a room with a woman. The Bible says put no confidence in your flesh. Get her another room."

That brother called me later and said, "Pastor Jomo, you wouldn't believe it. I was good, and then we went swimming. After I saw something, I was done."

We all think we're strong enough, but if you let that flesh get caught up, you're asking for trouble.

Solomon said this in Song of Songs 2:7: "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires."

Don't excite love. Don't stir it up until the time is right and you're ready. Because if you stir it up, it's too late. Don't even put yourself in a position. It's amazing to me, you'll be with somebody you don't even like, but you got stirred up. You'd never be seen in the light with them at all, but you got carried away and put yourself in bad spots.

Solid vs. Counterfeit: The Wood Illustration

In your life, you're going to find some solid people. Let me explain using wood as an illustration.

A 2x4 is solid. It's consistent on the inside and the outside. Another word for this consistency is "holy." It means I am who I am on the outside and inside. You can see the rings, which means you can identify the age and where it came from. The Bible says "he knew her." In a relationship, you have to make sure you know them.

This wood can hold 1,000 pounds, which means it has a good support system. When you go to a house being built, they have these 2x4s, and they call them studs.

Then there's plywood. Plywood is what they use for roofing. It cannot support the house; it can only be supported by a stud on the side of it. You can see lines. These are different levels of wood glued together. The problem with plywood is if you have it around, it's cancerous. Some people in your life are not solid. They're cancerous.

Then we've got the scraps: particle board. This is what they sweep off the floor, put enough glue on it, and it looks real. But the challenge is insects are attracted to it. Some of you don't realize the hell you're going through is because you don't have the real thing. You've got decoys that look like they're solid.

Until you put these in water, water will separate them. Until you put them in temperature, they begin to swell. Until you are around a person long enough to see them through different seasons, you may not know if you've got a real one.

You've got to see them when they're angry. See them when things don't work out. If you see a person through different seasons of life, you will reveal who they really are. Have you seen the person broke? How do they act? Have you seen them angry? How do they act? Have you seen them during disappointment? How do they act?

A lot of you have been tricked by decoys versus the real thing. These can't support the weight of a 2x4.

Ask yourself when you're going through the process of looking for a mate: Can they support me? Are they waterproof? Are they stable? Are they recyclable?

You could take a 2x4 off a house, put it over here, and it's going to work. Move it from there, it's going to work there. But put particle board in the wrong environment, and it's no longer useful. Put plywood in water, and it separates.

Give yourself time and space to find out if the person you're dealing with is real.

Wait for the Real Thing

Don't settle for counterfeits and decoys. God has the real thing prepared for you, but you have to be ready to receive it. Work on your relationship with God first. Find your peace. Develop your character. Learn to communicate. And most importantly, trust God's timing.

The wait is worth it when you find someone who is solid, consistent, and can weather every season with you. Don't waste your time building a nest for a decoy when God has prepared someone real for you.

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