10 Red Flags in Christian Dating

Just like a lifeguard displays warning flags to alert swimmers of danger in the water, God gives us red flags in relationships to protect us from harm. Last week, I talked about double red flags. Today, we're addressing single red flags that serve as critical warning signs in your dating journey.

One of the biggest mistakes we make as believers is thinking we can save someone else while we're barely staying afloat ourselves. We throw a life preserver to a drowning person, and they end up drowning us too. You have to be careful trying to save people because not everyone wants to be saved.

The foundational principle I shared before, bears repeating: Don't date what God hates. Eventually, it will have you in a bad spot. Today, I'm sharing 10 biblical red flags that should make you pause, pray, and possibly walk away.

Red Flag #1: Your Parents Don't Approve

This is biblical. Often, the problem we have with our parents is we think we know more. Or you say, "Well, my parents may not have been good parents." Okay, cool. But we have to make this revelation known: just because they haven't been the best doesn't mean they don't know more than you do.

What you have to realize is though you think they may not know things, they've been here longer than you have. They've seen more life than you have.

There's a brother in the Bible named Samson. He was a player from the Himalayas. He was promiscuous, and he tells his parents what he wants in a woman.

Judges 14:1-3 says: "Samson went down to Timnah and saw there a young Philistine woman. When he returned, he said to his father and mother, 'I have seen a Philistine woman in Timnah; now get her for me as my wife.' His father and mother replied, 'Isn't there an acceptable woman among your relatives or among all our people? Must you go to the uncircumcised Philistines to get a wife?' But Samson said to his father, 'Get her for me. She's the right one for me.'"

Question: Why did he come back and tell his mother and father? Why didn't he just marry her? He knew better, and he was looking for their approval. You wouldn't tell them if you didn't care.

I remember one time I brought a tall lady to the house, and my mother said, "Son, tell the giraffe to leave my house." My mother said, "Tell the giraffe to leave my house." Anybody have a mother who just tells the truth right to your face?

Everybody, whether they believe it or not, wants the approval of their mother. The Bible says Samson's parents tried to be kind: "Isn't there a woman among the girls in the neighborhood, our people?" They were trying to help. Any parent who has tried to talk to your children knows you can't tell them no because they don't listen. So you kind of try to talk to them: "Hey, maybe you should think about it this way."

But Samson said, "Get her for me. She's the right one for me." She was trouble. Trouble, trouble, trouble.

We have to be mindful to hear our parents. Now, Pastor, I don't have parents? Talk to godly people who are older or have had more life than you. The Bible says in the multitude of counsel there is safety. Get wisdom from people to help you navigate through this choice you're about to make.

Often, what happens is we see from our vantage point. One of my mentors took his kids to Disney World when they were young, and the kids started getting tired. The kids started to lean on him, then slouching, and before you know it, you've got to pick them up.

The son was frustrated: "Why is it taking so long, Daddy?" The problem with a child at a theme park in a line is all they see is butts. No, real talk. Because their vantage point is just butts, so they're frustrated. Then the father picks the son up, and now the son sees, "Oh, now I see why."

The challenge often is younger people don't have the vantage point that you do. You've seen more. You've seen it longer. It's not that they can't see better. You know better. So they struggle, younger folk, with just receiving what your parents say. The Bible says the prophet gets no honor in their own home.

Ephesians 6:2-3 says: "Honor your father and mother, this is the first commandment with a promise, that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."

It's a promise, which means a benefit. If you honor your father and mother, things will go well for you. Okay, so if you don't honor them... here's the premise: When we are younger coming up, God made our parents our eyes. So when you dishonor your parents, you won't see straight.

That's why a lot of young people miss it, because they're not listening to their parents. For a season, God has made your parents your eyes. That's why your parents say, "They ain't good for you." They already see it, but you don't see it yet. So you have to make sure you keep the honor code. If not, it's not going to go well for you, and you're not going to see it. When it hits you, it's going to hit you too late, and then you're going to want help, but it's too late.

Proverbs 6:25-26 says: "Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes. For a prostitute can be had for a loaf of bread, but another man's wife preys on your very life."

The Bible says don't let her catch you with her eyelashes. It's the Bible. It's not me. You be seeing them out there. They put that thing on top of their eyes. Then they just be talking to you: "Come here, come here. You know you want this." Y'all know. Y'all be seeing them eyelashes flying. It's trying to draw you in.

Brother, be careful. The Bible says don't let her catch you with her eyelashes. For on account of a prostitute, one is reduced to a piece of bread to be eaten up. The Bible says a woman crushes a man like a piece of dry bread. He just crumbles.

If you continue to read the scripture, the Bible says there are many dead men at her house. Woman of God, you've got that thing. Now, whatever that thing is for y'all, but I'm just saying y'all got power. Now, if you recognize your power is in question, don't give sales or discounts.

Red Flag #2: They Don't Fear God

Proverbs 1:7 says: "The fear of the Lord, that is, worshiping Him and regarding Him as truly awesome, is the beginning and the preeminent part of knowledge [its starting point and its essence], but arrogant fools despise wisdom and instruction and self-discipline."

If you see a person making fun of the God you serve ("I don't believe in all that you do"), often it's hard to convert somebody who's trying to get in your pants. That's right.

Sometimes you think you're trying to convert them, but then you end up naked. "Well, I'm going to save one." Okay, be mindful that you're being tricked. "Oh, I love the Lord." If you love me...

Red Flag #3: They Lack Discipline

You'll never find an undisciplined successful person. Discipline is the bedrock of success. You have to be able to be disciplined. Jesus had 12 disciples. Disciple means a disciplined one.

You have to make up your mind that if I'm going to win, I have to be successful, and you cannot hook up with an undisciplined person. Because you're going to be fighting with them. If you have any semblance of success, you're going to be disciplined, and discipline is the bedrock of success.

Now, you see some people who may be successful for a time who are undisciplined, but you cannot last. So I have to make sure if I see a person who's not disciplined, and I'm talking about every area, discipline is a bedrock for success.

Proverbs 5:23 says: "He will die for lack of discipline, for his utter recklessness he will be lost."

You have to have boundaries. You have to know what you can do and what you can't do. You have to be disciplined.

Red Flag #4: They're Emotionally Reckless

They're up and down. They're yo-yo.

James 1:8 says: "Being a double-minded man, unstable and restless in all his ways [in everything he thinks, feels, decides]."

Get away from unstable people. Because see, you may be stable, but if you get with unstable, y'all both going to be unstable. Listen, stability: bills are paid on auto. That's right.

We're not talking about rent. You know the light bill's coming up. Where do you work at? Somewhere. How long you been working there? A while. What's your credit? It's alive.

Red flags. No, you want stability. You want known entities. I want to know where you're going to be at. I want known. You have enough instability in your own life. I need stable.

I know when you're young, you know, wild is cute. But the older you get, stable becomes very, very attractive. He comes home every night. He's got a job. He loves the Lord. He honors his parents. This ain't hard, man. He's willing to sacrifice for me. He encourages me in my faith. He's patient with me. He builds me up and doesn't tear me down.

Okay, I'm sorry. He or she. I saw y'all getting a little too loud. I had to fix that.

Red Flag #5: They Surround Themselves with the Wrong People

Who you choose in your circle is a reflection of where you want to be. Your friends and your sphere are like elevators. Some take you up, and some will take you down. You make a choice who you spend your time with.

If the people they spend their time with are all below them, then they have a problem. Often, we surround ourselves with people who are beneath us because they'll never check us. If you surround yourself with people who are above you, they'll tell you about you.

So often, complainers hang with complainers because both of y'all will talk about each other. Issues hang with issues. So you want to find people who will tell you the truth to your face and not to your back. That's how you grow.

When I was dating in college, I went to one of my friend's house. This is my senior year. I'm about to go to the NFL, and I go to one of my friend's house. We'd been friends all our years of college, and they had a different way of generating income than I did. They were street pharmacists. See, they're not drug dealers.

Right now today in America, there's a whole bunch of street pharmacies. What was illegal, people make money on now. Same weed, but I'm not going to go there. I guess I already went there, huh?

Anyway, Charmaine and I went to the house. I don't know why she was with me that night, but she was with me that night. I go in there, and there's a table. Was it a table, Charmaine? Was it a lot of marijuana? It was a pile, and they were making bags. They had guns and marijuana there.

I saw that. My first thought was, "Okay, okay." But then I looked at Charmaine's face, and she had that face right there. And I said, "Uh, uh." They're my friends, but that day I didn't want to be friends. I knew they did certain things, but I didn't want to see it.

Anyway, I left the house, and I called my friends. I said, "Bros, I love y'all. We've been here in this school for four or five years now, and I'm probably not going to come over no more." And they said, "We were shocked you came."

When the people you should not be with know you shouldn't be there... and often what it is, is our obligation to them. And they know. They wouldn't be there. They said, "Jomo, you're about to go to NFL. Why would you come here?" And they understood because we were on different paths.

You have to have the wisdom to see when a person's not on your path. They're not going where you're going. Another way to say it: They're not growing where you're growing. See, now you're growing spiritually, and they don't want to grow that way. So if they don't want to grow that way, they're not going to go that way.

And so we struggle because you're trying to grow somebody who doesn't want to go. So then you get frustrated because you keep trying to grow somebody who doesn't want to go.

Psalm 1:1 says: "Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers."

Now, before I go any further, I'm going to say this to y'all: I was never a drug dealer. I was around drug dealers. I never sold a bag, a dime, or a nickel. Okay? I have to say these things because people leave church and send me emails: "You're pushing drugs." No, it was a personal story of what I have went through and I learned my lessons.

So I separated. I say this because sometimes you see a person on the stage, but you never hear the story. All you see is them today, but you haven't seen where they came through. Because truth be told, some of y'all... I say that because I have to be clear because people will come to my wife: "Do you know all that about him?" You don't think she was there with me? She's a ride or die.

I say this because often people see the finished product but they don't see what it took to get there. So I try to help someone who still might be at that spot, letting you know you can get to the other side. This was just something you went through.

1 Corinthians 15:33 says: "Do not be misled: 'Bad company corrupts good character.'"

One of my mentors, his son went to college, and he bought him a car, kind of like I did. He said, "Son, don't drive with anybody in your car you don't know." Well, he gets to college. What does he do? He gets pulled over. Come to find out, the friend in the car has drugs on him. Now they get busted.

See, he wasn't a bad kid. He hung with the wrong person. So you have to be careful. You may have good morals, but you may hang with someone who has bad character. He said it cost him $200,000 in lawyer fees to get him out. So it's better to talk to them. They may be good people, but you cannot do certain things in this world.

Red Flag #6: They Are Poor Listeners

You have to repeat yourself to them all the time.

James 1:19 says: "Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry."

Here's the challenge, y'all: People don't like to listen. So you have to be mindful that when you tell a man or woman something and they don't listen to you, that's a lack of respect, lack of honor.

You have to understand that when a person doesn't listen, they're telling me how they feel about me. They're saying they don't value my opinion. They're not thinking about how I feel. So lack of listening is a lack of respect. Lack of respect is a lack of honor.

Let me bring it down: Who you do not respect, you do not honor. Who you do not honor, you cannot receive from. You'll never receive from a person you don't honor. That's why when you don't respect a person, you stop listening to them. When you don't respect them no more, guess what? Whatever. Because you lost honor.

So I always want to make sure I keep the honor because honor means respect, and when there's respect, then I can receive from you. But it's hard to receive from a person you don't respect.

It's funny, I hear people say this all the time. I'll ask a lady or a man, "Do you love them?" "Oh, I love him, Pastor." Then I ask the second question: "Do you respect him?" Gets quiet. "I love him, but I don't..."

That should be your red flag. Because if I don't respect you, I'll never receive from you. I will never listen to you because I don't respect your thoughts, your process, or your judgment. And how can I follow a parked car? We ain't going nowhere. Be careful.

Red Flag #7: They Speak Too Soon and Get Angry Too Quickly

Be careful when a person tells you they love you too soon. "Oh, I love you." You ain't know me. But often, words get you to a place. "Well, you know I love you." You know him two days.

And if you're naive, you really believe the person loves you. And then you say, "Man, I'd never do that with him or her." And then you go out one night, and you have one drink, two drinks. "You know what? You ain't all that bad." That's how it goes. That's how it goes.

You know what? Four hours ago, never. Four hours later, "You know what? You know, I'm kind of feeling you." Next thing you know... see? See? See? Some of y'all, that was last night, but I'm going to leave you alone.

Speak the truth. Chain the devil. All of us are at some spot we should not be. Nobody's perfect up in here. The Bible says Romans 3:23, "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."

Say, "Neighbor, breathe. Say it's going to be all right. All right, we can work it out. Just don't do it no more."

Slow to speak. So be careful when people are giving you a whole bunch of positive words too quick because often it's manipulation.

Slow to anger. When you see a person who can't control their anger, be careful. Anger is one letter away from danger. All you add is a D on that anger, you're going to be in danger. Soon that anger will never lead to the righteousness of Christ.

James 1:20 says: "Human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires."

Let me help you: Don't allow emotion to take over. Because when emotion takes over, logic leaves. When you're emotional, you're no longer logical. Stay away until you can get logical because emotional's going to have you without your clothes on.

I said that because if you will let yourself get emotionally caught and you start feeling them, they start feeling you, we are not built to be close. You are not wired to be skin to skin and not have something happen. You are not built for it.

So if you put yourself in that spot, you're going to say, "Lord, grace." So you can't put yourself in these compromising situations because we are not built like that. So you have to be mindful that I have to be judicious and wise to keep myself from all these predators, male and female.

Red Flag #8: Financial Irresponsibility

Financial chaos is a massive red flag. If someone can't manage their money, they likely can't manage other areas of life. Bills paid late, constant borrowing, no savings, impulsive spending. These aren't just money problems. They're character issues.

The Bible is clear about stewardship. If God can't trust you with money, how can He trust you with a marriage?

Red Flag #9: They're Embarrassed to Be with You in Public

Why do we always got to go on the other side of town? Every time we go out, it's to Orlando. What's in Orlando? Why can't we go out in Tampa? "Where we going?" "Oh, I'm going to take you to the spot way, way, way in the back. Way, way, way, way, way in the back."

They never want to put you in public. Red flag. Red flag.

Be careful when a person doesn't want to walk with you. Be careful. What are they hiding? Who are they hiding it from? Why can't we go public?

Red Flag #10: You Have No Peace

You don't have to be a mature believer for God to help you with this. He will make you feel uncomfortable. He will give you an option, an urge. If you just have no peace, peace is the umpire of your soul. And when you have no peace, now you may not know what it means, but you better investigate it.

Any parent that has a child and you feel something's wrong, you start calling because God gave you this intuition that something is not right. That same intuition God has given you. And sometimes you're like, "You know what? I need to go. I need to leave." And you have to obey that voice.

I told y'all, man, when I was in a meeting, this lady started looking at me different. And I know that different look. I said, "She's trying to get with me." See, some of y'all laugh, but you know what? I know. I know. I do look good, huh? No. You better run.

This is happening. Oh yeah, we were in a prayer meeting. Pastor Tommy was in the prayer meeting. Lady started rubbing on my leg in the prayer meeting. Pastor Tommy came and grabbed her hands right there in church. Rubbing on my leg. He came and grabbed her: "Stop rubbing." He took her hand and said, "You got to go."

In church. You think you're safe up in here. The devil's everywhere.

She started prophesying, lying to me with words. I wasn't even a pastor yet. She's like, "Why haven't you started your church yet? You're so anointed. You're anointed, and I want some anointing." Lord, help me. Pray. Stop.

Peace. Peace. Peace.

John 14:27 says: "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

God's peace was a gift Jesus left us. Let nobody take your peace. Peace was a gift from God. Any person, male or female, who has you lose your peace, you have to say, "Get to stepping."

Anybody that has me lose my peace, you got to go. Jesus gave me peace, and this peace I have, I'm letting no man or woman take it away.

The Fish Finder Principle

Let me land the plane, y'all. If you've been fishing long enough, you'll find a time in your life where it feels like, "I got a big one." Yeah, this is a big fish, and you're pulling, but it's not moving. But you keep pulling because you know, you know what? I know I got a fish.

But somebody wiser than you says, "Hey, brother, you're hung up." And then you say, "No, I'm not. I got one." He said, "Well, let it go and see if it moves." It doesn't move.

But since I've been holding on so long, I keep on holding. Some of y'all have been holding on to a man or woman for eight years, and they say they're going to marry you, but they have not moved yet. But you're still holding on, using all your energy to get something to move that's not moving.

You're hooked. So who hooked you, boo? What you got hooked on? Yeah, you went for the hookup and got hooked. And so what happens? You're wasting your time, your energy, your resources. Your resources. That's the Jamaican in me. Your resources.

And you put all this energy, but you're frustrated. Because see, I don't want to start over because at least I'm attached to something. And if I get detached, I have to start all over. So I'd rather just hold on to something that's not moving, it's not growing, but at least I got something.

And you're stuck, and you're hooked to something that has no life.

You're going to have to get to the place, brother, sister, you're going to say, "You know what? I'm going to have to re-bait." Don't want to do it, but I got to cut the line. Now I got to start over. Now I got to pull some more line out.

Now, this time before I go fishing, I'm going to get me a fish finder. This time you get online for free, and you can buy your fish finder.

There's a story in the Bible where Jesus came to the disciples and said, "Have you caught any fish?" They said, "No, we toiled all night. We've caught nothing." Jesus says, "Have you tried the other side?"

And sometimes you don't realize you're struggling because you're fishing in the wrong pond. Wonder why you keep getting the wrong stuff? Where you in? In the wrong spot. Maybe you got to put it in another pond because you're only catching where you're fishing, and you may be fishing in the wrong place.

See, you have to understand, with God, He wants to help you. The steps of a good person are ordered by the Lord. But if you're not getting your steps, you're going to miss it.

It's very hard to catch when you don't know what's in the water. The professional fishermen, they got fish finders. Right now, they even have drones that fly over the water and drop your hook right where the fish are. There's so much technology.

All I'm saying, believers, before you go fishing, make sure you talk to the fish finder. Before you go fishing, make sure you have a conversation with God.

The Conversation You Need to Have

Here's the conversation:

"Lord, am I ready? Lord, am I healed? Lord, have I dealt with my trauma? Lord, have I dealt with my insecurity issues? Lord, have I dealt with my past? Lord, am I ready for the man or woman of God that You have for me?

"Lord, restore me. I don't want anything that I can't handle. I don't want to hurt another person, and I don't want to be hurt by another person. Lord, restore in me a clean and upright heart. Lord, heal me from the inside out.

"I don't want to waste any more time. I don't want any more dead weight. I don't want to carry no more people. Lord, I'd rather be still and know. Lord, heal me from the inside out. Lord, I want more of you."

And when you get to the place of understanding, "I don't need another man. I don't need another woman. Lord, I need You," and when you get to that place, the Bible says, "Those who hunger and thirst for righteousness shall be filled."

And when you get that hungry, thirsty for Him, He will give you what you desire. But He'll never give you something that will become your idol.

For some, a man or woman, marriage has become an idol. And God knows if you find that man or woman, you will stop loving Him. So He'll keep you in that season until you make sure you have your priorities straight.

"I am your King. I am your Lord. I am your Master. I am your Healer. I am your Redeemer. Trust Me, daughter. Trust Me, son. I know exactly what you need."

Wait for God's Best

Don't ignore the red flags God is waving in your life. He loves you too much to let you drown. These warning signs are gifts of His grace, protecting you from relationships that would harm you, distract you, or delay His best for your life.

Yes, it's hard to let go. Yes, it's difficult to start over. Yes, you may have invested years. But continuing to hold onto something with no life is worse than being free to receive what God actually has for you.

Get healed. Get whole. Get right with God. Then watch Him bring the real thing into your life at exactly the right time.

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