Communication in marriage starts with your words

Communication in marriage is not about proving you are right. It is about being willing to see the situation from your spouse's side of it. Most couples stay stuck in the same argument for years because both people are looking at the same problem through two different sets of eyes, and neither one will move.

Charmaine and I have been married twenty-five+ years and together for over twenty-seven, and the foundation under all of it has been learning to communicate God's way. So let me start with a story about a fishhook.

Why can't you see your spouse's perspective

A few years back I went deep sea fishing with Charmaine's family. I was baiting my hook when somebody's line got tangled with mine, they yanked, and my finger got hooked. Now there is a fish pulling on the line and a hook buried in my hand.

My brother-in-law says, "Bro, let me help you." I said, "No, I got it." He asked again. Same answer. I knew my own pain threshold, I knew where it hurt, and I did not want somebody else digging into my finger with no medicine. But I kept working at it and I was getting nowhere, until I finally admitted I did not have it. He asked, "Do you trust me?" That is a terrible time to ask a man that question. I said yes. He grabbed my finger, pushed the hook forward, twisted, and pulled it out clean.

Then he explained it. "The reason I could help you is that I could see the hook from the other side. You could only see it from your angle."

That is the whole sermon right there. Some of you are going to stay hooked in your marriage until you are willing to see from the other person's perspective. You are looking at your side and calling it the truth.

Here is the honest problem. I know my wife is smart, and she has been smart the whole time. But I also believe I am smarter, and I believe I am right. When two intelligent people both believe they are right, somebody has to submit to a standard higher than opinion, because you can argue an opinion forever. That standard has to be God's Word.

How does your background affect how you communicate

Charmaine and I came from two different worlds, and it showed up in our words.

Most communication is not even words. Somewhere between sixty and ninety percent of it is body language, eye contact, facial expression, and tone. She would tell me, "It's not what I'm saying, it's how you're hearing it," and I would tell her to check her tone. She has a lot of energy when she gets excited.

Then I went to her family's house and had an epiphany. That volume was the only way to survive at that dinner table. Her family talks loud, jokes hard, calls each other names, no filter, and it is all love. My side is country and expressive, and loud does not mean angry with us either. But in the house I grew up in, if a woman spoke to me a certain way, that meant something was about to happen next.

So two worlds collided. I would say something and it meant one thing to me, she would hear it and it meant something completely different, and neither one of us had bad intentions. We just had different dictionaries.

The more you learn your spouse and understand where they came from, the more you understand their triggers and why they respond the way they do. Once you have that understanding, it stops being an argument. It becomes, "I love you, and I know where you came from."

What does the Bible say about the power of your words

Start with this. God is a communicator, and you were made in His image, so you were made to communicate. When you say "I'm just not a good communicator," that is not how God made you. That is conditioning.

Look at Genesis 1. God said let there be light, and there was light. Let there be an expanse, and there was. Over and over, God creates by speaking. Then in Genesis 1:26, God says let us make man in our image, according to our likeness. So if I am made in the image of a God who creates with words, then my words carry creative weight too.

It goes further. In Genesis 2:19, God brought every animal to Adam to see what he would call them, and whatever Adam called them, that was the name. God handed a man the authority to name things. So let me ask you. Man of God, what are you calling your wife? Woman of God, what are you calling your husband? You will get what you speak.

And watch Adam in Genesis 3:20. He had just received a death sentence, and he turned and named his wife Eve, the mother of all living. He spoke life over her in the worst moment of his life.

Proverbs 18:21 says death and life are in the power of the tongue. So we have to be intentional. When Charmaine is having a hard day and starts speaking negatively about herself, my job is to say, "You are awesome. You are beautiful. You are excellent. On your worst day, you are the best thing that ever happened to me."

Speak to your spouse the way you want them to be, not the way they are acting right now. Here is my definition of true love. True love is the ability to think the best when you see the worst. Love covers a multitude of sins, so when I love you, I cover you.

How do you stop reacting and start responding

James 1:19 says be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. Most of us run that backwards. We are fast to speak, fast to get angry, and slow to actually hear, because we listen to respond instead of to understand.

When emotion takes over, logic leaves. So when you feel yourself about to boil over, run the four Ps. Pause. Ponder. Pray. Proceed. Pause long enough to interrupt the reaction. Ponder what is actually at stake. Pray and ask God to guard your mouth. Then proceed, and your words will land far better.

Remember this one thing and it will save you years of apologizing. You never have to apologize for what you did not say.

If you are constantly putting out positivity, it is very hard for the other person to keep handing back negativity. Her mentor used to say it like this: act like he is acting the way you want him to act, and watch how he acts. Treat him like the mighty man of God he was created to be, like a great father and a wonderful husband, and it becomes almost impossible for him to hand you back something ugly.

What did Charmaine mean that a woman won't follow a parked car

This is where Charmaine and I go deep, and I will lay out how I understand it.

Genesis 3:16 is the passage everybody quotes about the wife's desire being for her husband and him ruling over her. But read the context. That is spoken as part of the consequence of the fall, not as the original design. In Genesis 1:26-28, God made the man and the woman together and gave them dominion together. So what I see in the text is that the struggle for control came in with sin, and it is why this can feel like such a fight. Charmaine puts it plainly: it feels natural for a woman to want to run things, so submission has to be intentional.

Then here is the part that puts the weight on the husband. If a man of God does not have a mission, it is very hard for a woman to be in submission. It is hard to follow somebody who is going nowhere. A woman is going to keep asking where are we going and what are we doing, because she needs to know there is a direction. If you do not have an answer, you will call it nagging when she is actually waiting on leadership.

It is hard for a woman to submit to a man when she cannot see that he is submitting to God first. That is the order. If a husband is not under God's authority, he is asking for something he has not earned.

So man of God, get your mission, because a woman is not going to follow a parked car.

Why must a husband hear from God before pleasing his wife

Genesis 3:17 has a line men skip right past. God tells Adam, "Because you listened to the voice of your wife and ate from the tree which I commanded you not to eat."

Understand the setting. Adam had been alone, and here is this woman God formed, and she offers him the fruit. He may have thought about God for a second, but God felt far away and she was right there. So he went along with her and it cost everything.

Brothers, you have to be able to communicate with your wife when God has told you no. Sometimes we disobey God because we are trying to please our wives, and that never ends well for the family.

Now somebody is thinking, "God speaks to me too." He does. But God will not tell you to do something that directly contradicts what He told your husband. That takes time to trust, and it works both ways.

Here is how we handle it. When Charmaine wants something, I do not say no and I do not say yes on the spot. I tell her it is on my board, and it will come the way God brings it. Then I take it to God: "Lord, You know what Your daughter asked for. She is my wife, but she is also Your daughter, and You want the best for her. How are we doing this?" She trusts that now because I have come through enough times. If a husband has never followed through, there is nothing there to trust.

I will give you one example. I told her I would upgrade her ring when I got my second NFL contract. That contract never came. Years later I told God it was the desire of my heart to get her a bigger ring, and a man at a church I was visiting put a three and a half carat solitaire in my pocket. I did not pay for the diamond she wears. My Father owns the cattle on a thousand hills. Some things you cannot afford with money, but favor will take you further than money.

How do you build the atmosphere of your home

You set the climate of your marriage with your words, and you have to keep at it.

Anybody who has St. Augustine grass knows this. Stop watering it for two weeks and it goes crispy and brown. But water alone only gets you a faded green. If you want those blades thick and deep green, you have to fertilize it. Marriage works the same way. Maintenance keeps it alive. Intentionality makes it flourish.

You will not always feel like saying I love you. Say it anyway. Be deliberate.

What you speak, you manifest. Tell a child he is going to end up in jail, and you have set a direction. Tell him he will never amount to anything, and he starts believing you. Your words are seed. Plant carefully.

Common questions

Why is communication so hard in marriage?

Communication is shaped by your background, culture, and family of origin, so two people can say the same words and mean completely different things. Add that most communication is tone, body language, and facial expression rather than words, and misunderstandings multiply. Learning your spouse's history helps you understand their triggers and hear their intent instead of reacting.

What does the Bible say about the power of words in marriage?

Proverbs 18:21 says death and life are in the power of the tongue. Since God created through speaking and we are made in His image, our words carry creative weight in our homes. Adam named his wife Eve, the mother of all living, right after receiving a death sentence, showing the power of speaking life in the hardest moments.

What are the four Ps of communication?

Pause, ponder, pray, then proceed. When you feel yourself about to boil over, pause long enough to stop the reaction, ponder what is really at stake, pray and ask God to guard your words, then respond. James 1:19 teaches being quick to listen and slow to speak, and you never apologize for what you did not say.

How can a husband lead his wife well?

He starts by submitting to God himself, since it is difficult for a wife to follow a husband who is not under God's authority. He also needs a clear mission and direction, because a wife who keeps asking where the family is headed is usually seeking leadership, not nagging. Following through on promises builds the trust that leadership requires.