Stop trying to change your spouse and accept them

Most of what you fight about in marriage, you will fight about for the rest of your life, and that is not a reason to panic. It is a reason to change your approach. The peace you are looking for does not come from finally fixing your spouse. It comes from accepting the person God actually gave you and learning to manage the differences instead of battling them.

As we studied this out, I dug into the research of John Gottman, who has been studying marriages for close to fifty years, tracking the same couples across decades. One of his clearest findings is that when couples fight, it is almost never about the big thing. It is about the small thing. We major in the minor, we fixate on it, and it grows into something that eats at us. Today we deal with that head on.

Why do we fight about small things in marriage

Gottman's research says couples rarely fight about anything huge. A husband has the remote, she wants to keep the channel, he says "fine," she says "what do you mean by fine," and now there is a whole argument over nothing. Dial almost any marriage fight back to its origin and you will usually find a minor thing wearing a major thing's clothes.

Here is the stat that reframes everything. Sixty-nine percent of the problems in your relationship are unsolvable. Roughly seven out of ten of your recurring conflicts are rooted in permanent differences in personality, values, or lifestyle, and they are not going to change. So when you spend your energy trying to change your spouse, you are frustrating yourself over something that was never on the table.

I once did a thirty-minute counseling session with a couple about shoes. He drops his shoes at the door, twenty pairs pile up, and it drives her crazy. I let them go back and forth, then finally asked her what actually bothered her. The house looked dirty. So I asked, have you tried a shoe organizer at each door, a bin or a rack, so the shoes stay at the door but the house looks clean? She had never thought about it. If he is not going to change and you are not going to change, the real question is how do you manage it, and is it even that big of a deal? If something happened to him tomorrow, you would give anything to pick those shoes up one more time. Perspective is everything.

Should you ignore, endure, or try to cure a problem

We taught this at our marriage conference, and it is worth writing down. With any recurring issue in your marriage, you have three options. You can ignore it, endure it, or try to cure it.

Watch the trap in each. When you try to endure something, fatigue eventually sets in, and when fatigue sets in, you snap. Endurance has a shelf life. And trying to cure it runs straight into that 69 percent, so most of the time you just frustrate yourself trying to fix what will not be fixed. Even when you think you cured it, you have to ask whether that was really the outcome you wanted.

So what I have learned to do is ignore it, in the healthy sense of refusing to let it rule me. I am not going anywhere. We have three kids and more than twenty-five years in, and I have counted the cost. The Bible says count the cost before you build, so when a challenge comes up, I run the math and choose peace over being right about something small.

We had a toothpaste issue once, the classic how-you-squeeze-the-tube fight. Charmaine solved it in about ten seconds. She bought two tubes, one for me and one for her, done. That is managing a perpetual problem instead of dying on the hill of it.

Why shouldn't I try to change my spouse

Because your spouse is who God made them to be, not a rough draft of you. Her getting-ready process is different from mine. I take my quick shower and I am out, she has a whole process, and early in our marriage I used to work myself into a sweat pacing around, frustrated, because I like to be on time. We finally talked about it and landed on a simple fix. She gives me a ten-minute warning, and at that warning I start getting ready. Why keep frustrating myself over something I know is coming when I can just adapt?

Here is the deeper truth. God made your spouse different on purpose, so stop fighting who they are and start finding common ground. God took a rib from Adam and formed Eve to stand beside him with a purpose. I cannot fight my own purpose. And notice what God called the wife, a help mate, which by definition means the husband needs help. So brothers, if you refuse to receive your help, whose fault is that? She will never see it exactly your way, and you will never see it exactly hers, so the goal is not sameness. The goal is understanding.

If she is going to buy something, it is going to be the best, that is just who she is, so instead of fighting it, I learned to negotiate the best without paying the most. She wanted an elliptical machine, I found one barely used on Craigslist, brought it home, and surprised her. You can have the best without paying full price if you do the research, but you are not going to change the person. Trying to change them only keeps you both in a permanent state of frustration.

How does your background shape the way you argue

We are products of our environment, and that shows up in the strangest small habits. Early in our marriage I would eat half a candy bar, fold the wrapper, and save the rest in the fridge. Charmaine thought I was done with it and would finish it, and it quietly became a running frustration for two years before we ever talked about it. When we finally did, I explained that growing up I did not always have money for candy, so I learned to save some for later to know I still had some. Once she understood the background, the habit made sense, and the frustration dissolved.

That is the whole point. So much of what irritates us about our spouse is not defiance, it is history. When you take the time to understand where a behavior came from, you stop taking it personally and start dealing with the actual person.

Why should you listen to your spouse like you listen to your boss

Genesis 3 gives a warning to husbands hiding in plain sight. The serpent came and talked with Eve, and here is what I want the men to catch. If you do not talk to your wife, she is going to talk to somebody. Eve had a need to communicate, and she ended up in a conversation with the devil.

Women generally use more words and are often more expressive communicators, while men tend to be more directive, point-to-point. So you have to make yourself available to receive all those words, even when the story takes the long way around. One time Charmaine was telling me something and I did the "speed it up" hand motion. It hurt her, and I knew it the moment I saw her face.

So I took it to God, and He checked me hard. He said, "Jomo, you will sit with other people, listen to them, take notes, and give them answers, and they do not even love you the way your wife does." We will let a boss correct us all day, sit there and agree and promise to improve, but we will not extend that same honor to the person who lives in our house. The Bible says a prophet gets no honor in his own home, and familiarity breeds a kind of disrespect. We stop listening because we assume we already know what they are going to say.

From that point on, I changed. When Charmaine starts talking, I mute the TV or turn it off. If I would give that respect to a boss who could fire me tomorrow, why would I not give it to the person I say I love? That is what honor looks like at home.

Charmaine learned to ask, "Is this a good time to talk," unless it is an emergency, because catching someone mid-football-game guarantees you will not get the response you want. We both grew. That is the pattern. Somebody points out the fault, you take it to God, and you let Him change you.

What does it mean that marriage is about dying to self

Colossians 3:19 tells husbands to love their wives and not be harsh or resentful toward them. And Romans 12:2 says do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Put those together and you get the engine of a healthy marriage. You cannot stay the same person you were single and expect married life to work, because marriage is about dying to self.

You used to be number one. Then you got married and you became number two. Then a child came and you dropped to number three. When Charmaine and I were on our own, it was all about me, foot massages and back rubs and my preferences. Then the kids came and the priority order shifted for a season. That is not loss, that is love maturing. Your mind has to keep getting renewed, because a marriage grows only as much as the two people in it are willing to keep growing.

Common questions

Why do most marriage problems never get resolved?

Researcher John Gottman found that about 69 percent of relationship conflicts are perpetual, rooted in permanent differences in personality, values, and lifestyle. These are not character flaws to fix but fundamental differences between two people. The goal is not to eliminate them but to manage them with acceptance and ongoing dialogue rather than trying to win.

Should I try to change my spouse or accept them?

Since most recurring problems are unsolvable, trying to change your spouse mainly produces frustration. God made your spouse different on purpose, and Scripture calls the wife a help mate, implying the husband needs what she brings. Acceptance and finding common ground bring peace, while a campaign to remake your spouse keeps both people perpetually frustrated.

What are the three ways to handle a recurring marriage conflict?

You can ignore it, endure it, or try to cure it. Enduring eventually leads to fatigue and a blowup, and trying to cure an unsolvable problem just frustrates you. The healthiest option is often to release it, refusing to let a small, permanent difference rule you, while keeping honest dialogue open about it.

Why should I listen to my spouse like I listen to my boss?

Many people extend patience and respect to a boss who could fire them, yet stop truly listening to the spouse they love because familiarity breeds assumption. Scripture says a prophet has no honor in his own home. Turning off distractions and giving your spouse full attention is a practical act of the honor marriage requires.