Stop Finding The One, Start Becoming The One

If you're single, whether by choice or by circumstance, I want to share something that could change your entire perspective on dating and relationships. We're starting a journey together, and it begins with a simple but powerful shift in focus.

We need to take our focus off of trying to find "the one" and spend our time and energy becoming the best one. Let me say that again because this is crucial: we need to stop obsessing over finding the perfect partner and start investing in becoming the best version of ourselves.

Why? Because when you focus on bettering yourself, you become more attractive. It's that simple.

The Top Shelf Illusion

Let me take you to the grocery store for a minute. Everybody wants top shelf, right? Top shelf restaurants, top shelf clothes, top shelf everything. But here's what most people don't realize: product placement isn't an accident. Those producers know exactly who you are and what you want.

You see someone who looks like they have it all together (top shelf packaging) but you don't know what's inside the box. You don't see the abuse, the abandonment, the molestation. You just see the outside and think, "That's what I want."

But here's the reality: as life happens, we all move down the shelves.

Second shelf? You've had some tough relationships. You left with trauma, and trauma developed triggers. And triggers always lead to drama. Someone does something that reminds you of what you've been through, and you react harshly because of your past.

Third shelf? Now you've got kids. And let me tell you, when people see kids, they know there's a baby mama or baby daddy somewhere. They know if they date you, they're dating them too.

Bottom shelf? You've got all of that plus you've gotten older.

Now here's the struggle: life has you on a different shelf, but you're still asking God for top shelf. You're saying, "He's got to be this, he's got to have this," but baby, what have YOU got together?

The Clearance Rack Reality

Some of y'all need to check out the clearance rack. Yeah, the box has a little dent on the side. It's been through some stuff. But it's still good! You put it in the microwave, it's still going to pop. It just doesn't have all the outer appearance.

And when you get frustrated, some of you even go to the prison section. Oh, don't look at me like that. "I can recycle him." Or you fly to the islands to sponsor someone. Stella's going to get her groove back, right?

But here's the real question for believers: What if God said, "Baby, I love you, but marriage was never just for pleasure. It was for purpose"? What if God called you to get somebody who may not look like you want them to, but He wants you to do a work for Him?

When God Asks You to Minister, Not Marry Up

Let me hit you with some scripture that's going to shake you up. Hosea 1:2 says: "When the Lord first spoke through Hosea, the Lord said to him, 'Go, take for yourself a wife of prostitution and have children of prostitution.'"

Still not shocking enough? Let's read The Message Bible version: "First time God spoke to Hosea, he said, 'Find a whore and marry her.'"

I know I just punched you right in the face. But stay with me.

What if God asked you to marry someone for ministry and not for your pleasure? Because there have been people in your life that God sent, but you passed by them because they didn't meet your standards.

See, you're looking for a finished product, but there is no finished product. Marriage finishes you. If you're not dead yet, get married. That'll do it. The longer you stay married, the more of you has to die.

Paul says to pick up your cross and die. God tells husbands to lay down their lives for their wives. If you're not ready to die, you're not ready for marriage.

What Really Matters: Money and Mouth

The Bible gives us a clear way to know someone's heart. First Samuel 16:7 says, "But the Lord said to Samuel, 'Don't look at his appearance or his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.'"

So how do we know someone's heart? There are two ways: their money and their mouth.

Matthew 6:21 says, "Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will be also." Where they put their money shows where their heart is.

Here's the list: Do they SERVE God? Do they SUBMIT to God? Do they SACRIFICE for God? Do they SOW to God?

Why does this matter? If they're not going to serve God, they're not going to serve you. If they can't submit to God, they won't submit in relationship. If they can't sacrifice for God or sow to God, how they relate to God is an indicator of how they'll treat you.

They won't act up when they know they're serving God. But if they have no fear of God, they'll have no respect for you.

Love Requires a Relationship with God

First John 4:8 says it plainly: "The one who does not love has not become acquainted with God, for God is love."

A person cannot give you what they don't have.

That's why you're frustrated asking, "Do you love me? Do you love me?" If you have to tell them to say "I love you," it's not in there. Out of the heart, the mouth speaks.

They cannot give you love without a relationship with God. Until they have God, they can't really take care of you. All you're going to do is frustrate yourself trying to save someone.

You're not Superman or Superwoman. They have to have a relationship with the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to change.

What to Look For: The Biblical Checklist

For the brothers looking for a wife, Proverbs 31:30 says: "Charm and grace are deceptive, and superficial beauty is vain, but a woman who reverently and worshipfully loves the Lord, she shall be praised."

Find a worshipper. Find someone obedient, trusting, respectful. The number one need of a man is respect.

For the sisters, First Peter 3:4 tells you what to cultivate: "But let it be the inner beauty of the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality and unfading charm of a gentle and peaceful spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God."

A peaceful spirit. Not a "pop-off" spirit. Not a "God's still working on me" excuse to act crazy. A peaceful spirit, one that is self-controlled, serene, and spiritually mature.

Do the best you can with your outward appearance. Take care of your body. Smile. Put on something that smells good. But understand that seeking God comes first.

Matthew 6:33: "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you."

Eight Pearls of Wisdom for Singles

Let me drop some practical truth on you before we close:

1. There Is No Soulmate, Only Better Mates

Matthew 22 says to love the Lord your God with all your mind, heart, and soul. Your soul was never supposed to be tied to another person. Your soul belongs to God. You can find different people to flow with; you just have to find the better ones.

2. They Will Not Meet Every Standard

If they did, they wouldn't be single. You have to make choices about what's important to you.

3. Decide What You Can Handle

He loves God, she loves God, but they don't make a lot of money. Or they love God, but you've got a kid and the baby daddy's tripping. Every person comes with something. You just have to decide what you can handle.

4. Don't Expect More Than You're Displaying

We have a tendency to ask for more than we're willing to give. If you're asking for certain qualities, make sure you're displaying them.

5. You'll Probably Have to Do Some Recycling

The older a person is, the more potential relationships they've been through. That means trauma, drama, and triggers that need unpacking.

6. They Will Have Baggage

You don't want to carry it, but it's there. I talked to a brother who complained about his wife's son. I said, "Was the son there when you married her?" He said yes. I said, "Well, sounds like it was a package deal."

7. The More Partners, The More Challenging

There's something called pair bonding. If someone's been with a lot of people, they're used to disconnecting. That's how they stayed sane. So anything that goes wrong, they disconnect. You have to stay still for a season and let God help you.

8. Get Outside Your Comfort Zone

Start with serving God. When you start serving God with your whole heart, God starts to shine a light on you. Remember Ruth? She followed Naomi and served. And when she started serving in the field, she got found.

Stop worrying about finding somebody and focus on becoming the one.

Go Where You're Valued

There's a story about a father who had a young daughter. He gave her his car and said, "Take my car to the used car dealership and see what they'll give you."

She came back: "$1,000, Daddy."

"Now take it to the pawn shop."

She returned: "$100."

"Now take it to the car club."

It was a Nissan Skyline. The car club said, "$100,000."

He asked, "Baby, what am I trying to show you?"

"Go where you're valued."

Same car. Same person. But if you hang around the wrong people who don't know your value, you'll start to think you're something you're not.

You are God's child. Blood bought. Blood washed. You're a new creature in Christ Jesus, and God can turn your past around.

Transform Your Mind First

Someone once said, "Pastor, it seems like I keep attracting broke people."

Here's the truth: a broke mind attracts broke things.

Proverbs 23:7 says, "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he." You remember who you used to be and think you're still that person. So who you used to be is what keeps coming to you.

But until you understand "I have to transform my mind. I'm not what I used to be, I'm a new creature in Christ Jesus," you won't attract the new thing on the outside because you haven't gotten healed on the inside.

You're only attracting who you think you are. Until you get healed, you won't attract the best because you don't think of yourself as the best.

Romans 12:2: "Be transformed by the renewing of your mind."

I don't care what you've been through. Allow God to start working on you. Just like Ruth had to go through some things, she ended up trusting God.

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